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SHOCKING
CHARLIE SHEEN named TV's highest-paid male actor
MINI-ME sues ex-girlfriend for abuse, accuses her of putting things on high shelves
KNIGHTS TEMPLAR heirs sue the POPE. Don't they know he's taken a vow of poverty?
Raunchy comedian BOB SAGET offended by raunchy John Stamos joke about Olsen twins
Bill and Ted star--the one who's not Keanu Reeves--hired to write remake of Ramones flick
Star Trek's SCOTTY fails to beam up when rocket carrying his ashes breaks apart
GRAND THEFT AUTO IV banned in Thailand after taxi-driver murder
PREDICTABLE
STEPHEN COLBERT gets California spider named after him (but not one of those liberal San Francisco spiders)
CHEECH AND CHONG reunite for comedy tour but can't remember why
J.K. Rowling to publish another Harry Potter--related book
MADONNA turns 50
PARIS HILTON responds to unfunny John McCain campaign video with even less funny video of her own
MARIAH CAREY performs at mall, then orders an Orange Julius
PLAYGIRL becomes online-only publication. How does the centerfold work on that?
Big & Rich's Rich pens new song, Raising McCain
OPRAH named TV's highest-paid female personality
RACHAEL RAY sells her own brand of dog food, Nutrish. Next plans to shill gourmet prison food, Slammo
SHOCKINGLY PREDICTABLE