Punchlines

"Oliver Stone says his next movie role will be the hunt for Osama bin Laden. The film is expected to be 300 hours long with no ending." JAY LENO

"A new government study has found that the average American car weighs 500 lbs. more than it did 10 years ago. However, this is only true if the average American is sitting in the car." CONAN O'BRIEN

"Ohio Congressman Bob Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol responsible for corruption, anti-Semitism, and homosexual pedophilia." JON STEWART

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