Punchlines

"This week a group of Nevada residents began a campaign to legalize marijuana in the state of Nevada. The group's slogan is, Whores and gambling aren't enough." --CONAN O'BRIEN

"WITH SWEEPS UNDERWAY, NETWORKS ASK RUNAWAY BRIDE TO RUN AWAY AGAIN" --Fake news headline from THE BOROWITZ REPORT

"Winning isn't everything. It's just as important that we rub it in. Medal counts are a great, quantifiable way to say 'Yes, we're in an unpopular war, we're bitterly divided, and we're embroiled in scandal, but if you get all up in our bobsled grill, we'll bring the $%@# hammer down.'" --STEPHEN COLBERT

"ABC announced their show Commander in Chief is going on a six-week vacation or--as Bush calls it--August." --JAY LENO

For more political humor, visit time.com/cartoons