Check Out My New Numbers

By Patricia Marx

After a cascade of opinion polls showed that George W. Bush's popularity had descended to an all-time low, the most recent numbers reflect a slight improvement for the President. Despite those gains, however, Bush's approval rating (40% last week) remains dismal. So why is President Bush happy? "Well, according to those expert fellows," the President might explain, "the margin of error on these things is really small, so that means we're making less errors, and that's a good sign. And here's something else that folks should keep in mind. There hasn't been a big hurricane in this country in a couple of days, so we're achieving victory status on that too. But the really good news is that in terms of the polls that my people in the White House have totally made up, I'm actually doing fantastic." A sample:

69% of heads of families who have saved $1 million or more due to the President's tax laws enthusiastically support the President's tax laws

56% of voters think Bush did not intentionally deceive the American public about the reasons he went into the Food Emporium

Experts tell us that according to a random sampling conducted at zoos around the country, most chimpanzees are disinclined to voice any objection to the way the President pronounces the word nuclear

100% of Americans 18 months or younger seem to give the impression that they are not disappointed by U.S. negotiations with North Korea over, oh, something or other

96% of the Wilmerding family in Akron, Ohio, think Bush is doing a really terrific job as President

51% of scientists believe the Big Bang led to greater upheaval in the world than the American invasion of Iraq

57% of senior citizens say the President leads "strongly and decisively" when it comes to the bunny hop

62% of educators are pretty sure that the President is smarter than SpongeBob but not smarter than Dan Quayle

only 2% of Americans who have at least four years of college education blame George W. Bush for the defeat of our country in Vietnam

87% of the ranchers in Montana say they are in favor of the way the President handles dry brush and scrub on the Crawford ranch

51% of those who watch the nightly news see nothing wrong with Bush's green windbreaker with light blue lining

23% who filled out the questionnaire on Whitehouse.gov believe the President was involved in the breakup of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey

58% of the top brass in the U.S. military say hip-hip hooray to the President for his refusal to set an artificial timetable for withdrawing security guards from Home Depot

97% of stem cells zealously endorse the President's stem-cell policies

86% of the ExxonMobil management are of the opinion that we should stay the course in Iraq until the last drop of oil is pumped

99% of some people we know believe a certain person in the press who leaked the name of the Vice President of the U.S. to the American public should be prosecuted

49% of Jenna Bush's friends approve of the wet bar on her grandfather's boat in Kennebunkport

63% of the Bush clan think there are all too many Barbaras and Georges in the family, but they do not wish to get rid of any of them

An overwhelming majority of both Democrats and Republicans agree with Donald Rumsfeld's recent statement: "There is compelling evidence that al-Qaeda is linked to al-Qaeda"