Ask Francine

By Francine Russo

Dear Francine,

We co-signed our daughter's lease in her last year of college; her roommate's parents couldn't. We agreed to pay our daughter's share until graduation. After the lease ended, I notified the landlord of nonrenewal, but the girls stayed while looking for new places. My daughter started working and was to pay her share, but then she got sick and had to quit her job. The girls just moved out. My daughter now tells me that while her roommate waited for a check that never arrived, they paid no rent. For nearly three months, they ignored notices from the landlord, who is demanding the rent plus penalties--several thousand dollars. Am I responsible for paying everything? I'm very upset with my daughter. I think she has no sense of what money is, and that's my fault. Should we bail her out this time?

--Name Withheld, Washington

Dear Washington,

Legally, you are stuck. Most leases contain a holdover clause that entitles landlords to collect double the rent plus legal fees from tenants who remain after the lease expires without a signed release. Baltimore real estate attorney Thomas C. Barbuti recommends that, whenever possible, parents of the roommates co-sign a lease and exchange letters agreeing to share liability. Landlords tend to go after the parents with the deepest pockets.

You might have been more vigilant about the fine print, but don't blame yourself too much for your daughter's out-of-touch relationship with money. Kids learn best about this by paying at least part of their way. But study, extracurriculars and unpaid internships militate against middle-class parents insisting that their kids work. Still, nothing excuses your daughter's irresponsibility in not telling you sooner. Life's transition points--such as becoming self-supporting--are emotionally tricky for both parent and child. Although your daughter may legally be an adult, she has not yet developed the traits that Linda Perlman Gordon, co-author of Mom, Can I Move Back In with You?, has identified as the markers of adulthood in today's culture of extended adolescence. Among them, financial responsibility and understanding the impact of one's actions on others (including one's parents) are key.

You can help her in this direction, Gordon suggests, by making her bear consequences for this mess. I agree. It would be counterproductive to indenture her for the next decade to pay the entire sum. But you can require her to pay a realistic percentage off the top of every paycheck. Make it large enough for her to feel it and for long enough to drive the lesson home. And just maybe the day will come when she will thank you for it. --By Francine Russo

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