Punchlines

"Three and a half years ago, Congress passed the Patriot Act, a sweeping counterterrorism measure carefully crafted to be just restrictive enough to impinge on civil liberties without actually being effective." --JON STEWART

"Michael's family is glad this thing is finally over. Now they can all get back to not speaking to one another." --JAY LENO

"To raise money for charity, Paris Hilton was photographed wearing nothing but high heels. When asked about it, Paris said, 'Since it was for a good cause, I decided to put on high heels.'" --CONAN O'BRIEN

"What a crazy week in Hollywood--Michael Jackson has stopped sleeping with children in his bed, and Tom Cruise has started." --MICHAEL SOMERVILLE, stand-up comedian