The Day I Went to the Filibuster

By Patricia Marx

SENATOR BARBARA BOXER: With all due respect, Mr. Chairman, the nomination of Patty Marx for the position of Assistant to the Associate Deputy Secretary for Transportation is unalloyed lunacy.

[APPLAUSE IN THE ASSEMBLY]

SENATOR BOXER: The nominee has testified that she does not even wear a seat belt. Can anyone in this committee room give me a reason she should be confirmed?

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN: Senator, asking a question is a cheap shot.

PATTY MARX: Mr. Chairman, I know nobody called on me, but I think I had better let you know that I never went after this position. I thought I was mailing in a coupon to get a rebate on my shampoo and maybe entering a sweepstakes for a Mustang convertible.

SENATOR DANIEL INOUYE: As the ranking member of this committee, I am obliged by duty to ask the chairman, Will there be an interval set aside for snacks?

SENATOR TED STEVENS: If you're willing, Senator Inouye, I'd like to call the Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation to order now. Thank you, Ms. Marx, for agreeing to stay as long as it takes to dialogue with us or until you have to leave for your eyebrow appointment, whichever comes first.

SENATOR FRANK LAUTENBERG: Mr. Chairman, I realize that there are still many issues to debate. Nevertheless, I would like to say in conclusion that while I do not have as much money as my colleague on this committee John D. Rockefeller IV, I do have a lot of money.

SENATOR JOHN KERRY: Mr. Chairman, with your esteemed consent I would like to start talking and then go on and on. Firstly, I have in my hand signed affidavits from various groups in protest of the President's choice.

[GROANS IN THE ASSEMBLY]

SENATOR KERRY: Notwithstanding, I'd like to keep talking and tell you that these groups include the Straphangers of America, Bette Midler's Adopt-a-Highway volunteers, Road Workers Without Borders, and People Against Bette Midler. I'd like to ask the nominee, if I may, Do you have any idea why so many people have no respect for you?

MARX: Could you repeat the question? You caught me when I was still thinking about the seat-belt thing. If you wear one, wouldn't the driver think you're saying he's a bad driver? And then he might try to get back at you by crashing?

SENATOR KERRY: This nomination is shameful, pardon my French.

SENATOR STEVENS: The chair now recognizes the distinguished Senator Snowe.

SENATOR OLYMPIA SNOWE: My compliments to you, Mr. Chairman, on recognizing me. That is all I have to say.

SENATOR STEVENS: The chair now yields to Senator Trent Lott.

SENATOR TRENT LOTT: Yes. On page 178 of the written response submitted to the committee by the nominee, we learn she has driven cross-country. Can you elaborate, Ms. Marx?

MARX: My friend and I had an E-ZPass. You know, sometimes when I drive through a tollbooth and think about the genius of the E-ZPass, I could weep.

SENATOR LOTT: I put it to the committee and all of America that this is the kind of person we need in our government.

MARX: Really?

[TITTERING CAN BE HEARD]

SENATOR MCCAIN: Mr. Chairman, Senator Inouye has Taffy Lites, and he won't share. Could you place in the record that this is a show of contempt for democracy?

SENATOR STEVENS: Senator Inouye, perhaps in the interest of nonpartisanship ...?

SENATOR KERRY: This nomination is appalling. Marx is not only outside the Beltway, she has stated under oath that she does not know what the Beltway is.

SENATOR LOTT: And I put it to you that this is the kind of fresh perspective so sorely lacking in our government.

MARX: Mr. Chairman, I know I wasn't called on, but I don't want to forget this. I hate it on an airplane when the person next to me hogs the armrest. Are there any rules about that? If I am confirmed, I look forward to tackling policy issues like this one.

SENATOR KERRY: In addition, it behooves me to mention that my wife sat across from the nominee in the Quiet Car of an Amtrak train. You're not supposed to talk in the Quiet Car, but according to Teresa, Marx wasn't quiet. Need I say more?

[THE RECORD SHOWS THAT KERRY CONTINUED TO SPEAK FOR 6 MIN.]

SENATOR BOXER: I am still waiting to hear a reason.

SENATOR JIM DEMINT: Why does there have to be a reason for everything? Is it not enough that Jesus loves us?

SENATOR STEVENS: Let me cut in at this point. We've had four hours of good hearing. I would like to thank the nominee for taking precious time out of her day to appear before us. We're going to recess now, and I suggest we reconvene at 3:30. Does anyone have any questions before the break?

MARX: Yes. If I did get this job, would I be on duty if I'm just walking around? Of course, if I get the Mustang, I don't think I'll be on foot a lot. Also, could anyone give me a lift to the nearest Starbucks? o