Ask Francine

What is the best way to meet someone when you're older? I'm going through a divorce, and I fear the prospect of never having someone again. As a woman, I find it so discouraging. Help! --Marie, Livingston, N.J.

When I was ready to start dating again--at 47, with my last date 25 years in the past--I turned to the Web to find a pool of men my own age who were actively looking for relationships.

I won't lie to you: dating is tough for older women. Online, some men will tell you they want only a woman who is younger--or thinner or blonder or something. Don't take that personally; just move on. There are reasonable men in your age range. Most are divorced and sincerely interested in finding someone. Lots have emotional issues--anger, neediness and fear of intimacy among them. Who doesn't, really? But those can often be worked out. It may take three weeks or three months or a year to know whether a relationship will last. More won't than will, so don't get discouraged.

Here's some practical advice. Pick dating services that have the most men your age. Expand the geographic area and age range you're willing to consider--some younger men love older women. Have a friend help you write your profile and pick your picture. Beware: online descriptions are often inflated, and some men set arbitrary age limits that become irrelevant once you meet. Some women feel compelled to whack a few years off their age just to get past those filters--a practicality that can be dicey. My suggestion: go ahead, but be sure to let the man know as soon as you meet him--and let him know why.

Online, keep correspondence to a few exchanges; months of feverish e-mailing can fizzle with a first look. If the missives look good, ask to call him. If the phone conversation goes well, meet him for coffee in a public place. Most of all, remember that Internet dating provides a way to meet people; it's not a screening device. If you've learned from experience, you're likely to find a good partner. If your radar is set to find someone to make you miserable, I guarantee you'll find him too.

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