Adopting New Ways

By Lois Gilman

When 8-month-old Aliya Jane met her new, adoptive family last August in the orphanage at Krasnoyarsk, Russia, there were two loving faces to learn. There to greet her was mom Beth Stubenbord, 40, a single woman from New York City, and grandma Jane, 64. Recalling the emotional journey, Beth says she couldn't imagine making it alone: "I knew I wanted my mother to go with me. I wanted somebody else to rely on and talk to." Having her experienced hands along also proved invaluable as Jane cared for Aliya during the day so Beth could grab a nap or meet with government officials.

Not long ago, grandparents like Jane tended to play minor roles in the international adoption process, waiting in the wings for their adult children to return home with babies in hand. But a growing number of grandparents are venturing to places like China, Russia, Eastern Europe and Latin America so they can personally welcome adopted children into their families. Agencies like New York City's Spence-Chapin, which arranged Aliya's adoption, say they have witnessed a recent increase in grandparent involvement, especially as more single parents go abroad to adopt.

"I don't think we would have made it without my parents' help," says Becci Goldman, who traveled with her husband Steve and her parents to Guatemala City, where the Goldmans adopted two biologically unrelated 4-month-old babies, Kevin and Emma. Becci vividly remembers watching her mother take an inconsolable Kevin into her arms at 3 a.m., placing him on her chest and sleeping with him for the rest of the night. The next day Becci came down with a virulent stomach flu; after that, Steve and her parents juggled all the baby care.

When a grandparent makes the adoption journey and contributes positively to the earliest days of child rearing, it sends a strong signal to his or her grown child that the youngster is a full-fledged member of the family. For many, it is a seminal moment that allays the concerns about acceptance that may be prevalent in the mind of the adopting parent.

Cleeta Fisher, 66, who accompanied her son Brian Fisher and his wife Virginia Cornelius to Nanchang City, China, last August to pick up their baby daughter Cornelia WenHai, recalls the poignant moment when she first met her granddaughter: "Brian and Virge were handed the baby, and they handed her to me. And I thought, 'Hello, welcome to the family.'" It was a familiar scene for Cleeta, all the more emotional because Brian is her adopted son. "I had tears of joy and flooding emotions that went back 38 years to when the adoption-agency worker placed Brian in my arms," she says. Brian says that he gained deeper insight into his own adoption. "I had no idea that my parents went through the same process we went through. We got to hear a whole layer of family history."

For Ronni Blumenthal, the moment of family bliss came in Guatemala City as her mother Barbara wrapped 23-month-old Dov in a worn red woolen blanket that Ronni's great-grandmother had made. "My grandmother used to tell me," says Barbara, "'Go get the red blanket, and we'll cuddle.' So this blanket--and tradition--has been passed from generation to generation, and has special meaning."

That meaning eventually trickles down to the newborn, says Jackie Fleischman, director of Act of Love Adoptions in Natick, Mass. "Grandparents are the holders of the generational story," she says. "Their presence on an adoption trip is a profound integrating of the child into the genealogy of the family."