Mr. Monopoly Goes to Washington

By Bruce Handy/Glynis Sweeny

With the economy still sputtering, the President introduces the newest member of his domestic-policy team.

Where some see a two-dimensional symbol of lawless capitalism, I see a three-dimensional heart.

If I can just get Uncle Ben appointed to the EEOC, we've got the trademark vote nailed!

The new adviser's influence is felt immediately as the White House unveils a multibillion-dollar stimulus package.

The President called today for the elimination of all taxes on top hats, spats and diamond-studded walking sticks--which he says will save the average American family more than $1,000 a year while creating millions of new jobs.

Must...not...reveal...liberal...bias. Must...say ...with... traight...face.

The usual complaints come from the usual sources.

This is just another giveaway for the wealthy! I mean, it's not like Bush is proposing tax breaks for open-toe hobo shoes or raggedy newsboy caps.

There you go again with that class-warfare rhetoric.

And you're ignoring the fact that under the President's plan every working-class family will have its choice of a shiny little thimble, race car, shoe or Scottie.

Even the President's supporters are surprised by the sweeping boldness of his plan.

We've long advocated eliminating the "fat-cat penalty" on stereotypical rich-person accessories...

But, gee--we would have been happy with just a deduction for French maid's uniforms.

The President's plan is quickly passed by Congress--and just as the White House promised, employment soars.

Thanks to increased spat sales, we've opened three new plants in Ho Chi Minh City this month alone!

But all is not sunny at the White House...

Is it true there were accounting irregularities at the Water Works?

What about the e-mail where you said small investors were going to "take a ride" on the Reading Railroad?

Did Mrs. Monopoly use HUD funds to buy a house on Park Place?