Wake Me Up for the Ball Game

By Bruce Handy/Glynis Sweeny

The year 2007. A research facility somewhere in Arizona.

I think he's coming to.

Can you hear me? Can you tell me your name?

Ted Williams. The Splendid Splinter. The greatest hitter who ever lived!

I'll take it from here, boys.

President Bush? What are you doing here?

Commissioner Bush. That Harken thing got a little out of hand. But hey--baseball was happy to have me. And what's important is: you're back!

So get me to a ballpark! I've never felt better!

You should, what with all the Creatine you've been getting. But Ted, you've been "on the bench" for five years. You need to know something: baseball's changed. We've added a clock, made the ball more oblong, stuck nets around the field so the ball always stays in play.

What the??!! You've turned my hallowed game into @#$*-ing arena football!!

Ah, come on. It's not like we don't still have watery beer and Don Zimmer.

And don't tell me: the Yankees are leading the AL East.

Well, they're the only team left in the AL. Of course, it's a moot point since they've been on strike for three years. Anyway, here's what I wanted to talk to you about. Our ratings are still down, even with all the changes. But how's this for an idea: we're trying to grow Honus Wagner from some old blood cells they found on a pair of Ty Cobb's old spikes, and we were wondering what you'd think about a celebrity boxing match during half-time of the World Series. That is, if the union ever caves. It would be only three rounds. Whaddya think? Can I call you Teddy Boy?