Let's Do Lunch--Really!

By Bruce McCall

A.M.

7:00 Day off to a bad start. That Ron Meyer and those other guys, stealing the morning paper off my doorstep!

8:00 Oil sheik requests b'fast at Four Seasons. Maybe wants to bankroll my comeback! (Turns out sheik wanted name of agent for a pal's actor kid. I felt used.)

8:30 Drive to office.

8:45 Finish at office.

9:00 Decide to opt out of next week's Mike Ovitz Roast. (Heard rumor there'll be a real spit.)

9:15 Great career kick start: change name to Ike Movitz, wear false nose and mustache, get job in William Morris mail room and claw way to top all over again! (But this time, no Mr. Nice Guy.)

9:30 Mel G. a no-show for our weekly tennis match. Message says dog ate his racket. Donny Osmond towel snaps me around locker room--wouldn't have tried that a couple of years ago. Ten to one, Eisner put him up to it.

10:00 Rubdown at club. New masseur almost killed me! I detect David Geffen's fine hand in this.

10:30 Run into Russell C. at Bev Hills Hotel pool. (Seems to think I'm the towel boy!)

11:00 Nap.

11:30 Check mail. AARP membership application, invite to free investment seminar. Still no new "Vanity Fair" issue. (Must be some mix-up!) New career idea: Bill Gates hires me, but what do I know about computers? So he fires me. I collect $300 million.

P.M.

12:00 Lunch date w. Mr. T at the Ivy. He calls to cancel. (Meyer and those guys told him not to come, of course.) Then maitre d' says no record of reservation anyway.

12:30 Marty Scorsese calls to say sorry, no room at VIP screening of "Gangs of New York." I can hear Geffen laughing in the background the whole time.

1:00 Nap. 1:30 Call to confirm dinner tonight at the Ivy w. Japanese bankers. (Shifted to Tokyo, secretary says--didn't I know? Whoops!) Terrific idea: I do "Hollywood Squares." Other guests would be so intimidated, I'd steal the show!

2:00 E-mail to Stones mgr. requesting VIP concert tickets comes back. "Not valid address"--what gives? Call Mick Jagger's office; he's in a meeting. Ronnie Wood, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts all at a funeral in New Zealand. Shucks!

Dry cleaner "lost" my favorite chinos. Right! On personal instructions from one Mr. Michael D. Eisner! Never quite realized the power of a studio head before.

2:30 Decide it would be easier to win Nobel Peace Prize than Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award. I go to Baghdad, negotiate arms-inspection deal with Saddam, Gulfstream out of Iraqi air space before he reads the fine print and realizes he's screwed. Mike's back, big time!

3:00 Nap.

4:00 Buy "TV Guide" to see what's on the tube tonight.

5:00 Farmer's-market lady says they're out of my favorite chutney. Won't make eye contact. Meyer, I never knew you could be so petty.

Brainstorm: I take out an ad in "Variety" inviting everybody to a gala cocktail party at my place!

5:30 Drop by unannounced on old pals Warren and Annette. Wait in foyer half an hour, leave card, sit in car another half an hour. Think I hear noises upstairs. Must be the kids. Drive home.

Flat tire on the Santa Monica freeway. You'd think Geffen and those guys would really have better things to do than sabotage my Michelins.

Maybe I make it a barbecue instead of a cocktail party. Folks love free eats!

6:30 TV dinners have sure improved in the past 20 years!

7:00 I could always set up an Amway distributorship. Door prizes at the barbecue! Autographed 8-x-10 glossies of the stars. I have an attic full!

7:30 Tiring day. Think I'll turn in early.

8:00 Phone call. Guy offering $5 for my Rolodex. Holding out for $10.