What in the World Is Going On?

By Bruce Handy/Glynis Sweeny

Remember the good old days when Americans were obsessed with IPOs and Gary Condit? The events of Sept. 11 reminded us there was a dangerous world beyond our borders...

Next, on America Strikes Back: more scary foreigners who hate us!

Ah, they're just jealous 'cause we invented Survivor.

Actually, the Swedish invented Survivor.

Yeah? Whose side are you on, Osama?

With the war in Afghanistan going well, President Bush highlighted new global hot spots in his State of the Union address.

"Axis of Evil"!!? What is that? Something he got from a Hardy Boys book?

Allah willing, the Great Satan will pay for this infelicitous rhetoric!

And what was so wrong with "Rogue Nations"? I loved the whole feel of it! Kind of a George Clooney thing, but with missiles.

But then, before we could tackle the next phase of the war on terrorism, the Arab-Israeli conflict flared up.

Three weeks ago, you demanded that Israel withdraw from the West Bank "without delay." Now, with Israeli tanks still in Palestinian territory, you say Prime Minister Sharon has met his timetable. How do you explain this discrepancy?

Depends on what your definition of "without" is.

More trouble overseas: amid rising incidents of anti-Semitism, French voters catapult the hard-right candidate Jean-Marie Le Pen into a presidential runoff election. The consequences for the rest of Europe are huge.

Yay! Ve are no longer the scariest country around!

Ja, now all those little Poles and Czechs will haff no choice but to luff us again!

The next foreign policy crisis could come anywhere, at any time, from any source...

I find this hard to believe, sir, but I think that's a Viking raiding party on the horizon.

Hard to believe, Ensign? Thank a shortsighted foreign policy that failed to confront Norse extremism.

With the world this crazy, you almost wish some B-list actor would shoot somebody, just for the distraction. Thank goodness our crack foreign policy team has everything well in hand.

They're putting through Pedro Carmona, the new leader of Venezuela, on line 2.

Hey there, hermano. Nice job on Chavez. So here's what you do. Get your Supreme Court or whatever it is you have down there to...Wait, THIS is President Chavez? THE President Chavez?

So how'd your little "peace mission" go?

At least as well as your Arctic drilling program.