The Lincoln White House Tapes

By Bruce Handy/Glynis Sweeny

Last month the National Archives released another batch of tapes from the Nixon White House. Once again, the 37th President's prejudices and dark obsessions are making headlines.

I'd rather use the nuclear bomb...Does that bother you? I just want you to think big...You're so goddamned concerned about the civilians.*

It's a funny thing: every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana is Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews?...I suppose it's because most of them are psychiatrists.*

The point I make is that, goddammit, I do not think that you glorify on public TV homosexuality...You know what happened to the Greeks? Homosexuality destroyed them. Sure, Aristotle was a homo, we all know that. So was Socrates...The last six Roman emperors were fags.*

*Taken from actual transcripts!

Of course, some of Nixon's best friends were Jews. Not that that's a defense.

Must...not...scream...Must...appear..."with-it"

Must...squander...talent...Must...become...laughingstock

This isn't a defense either, but who knows what might have been heard if earlier Presidents had had taping systems?

You know the REAL reason we defeated the British at Yorktown, don't you? Cornwallis was riding sidesaddle. Not that our friend Lafayette couldn't lead a charge both ways. Of course, you remember what they used to say during the French and Indian War: How do you separate the men from the Mohicans?

During the Civil War, Lincoln's paranoia regarding the Scots was much discussed among Washington insiders.

I'll tell you what Johnny Reb wears under his uniform--a kilt! By God, we've got to win this war, or they will steer the whole nation into haggis-eating, caber-tossing degeneracy!

Uh, sir, we were talking about freeing the slaves?

Yes--from the godawful caterwauling of the bagpipe!

Perhaps most tragically of all, Herbert Hoover's prejudices may have led him to mishandle the economy after the Crash of '29.

Stock-market panic? Depression? That's what those Dutch financiers would have us believe. I say, Give it six months, and the whole thing will blow over--just like the foul stench of their gouda!

Just kidding. Every other President loved all humanity. But, yes, Virginia, there WAS a Nixon. How nice that we still have him to kick around--especially when we could use the distraction from our own ethnic "issues."

Hmmm...The Koran doesn't have anything against golf, does it?

Those are expensive loafers...He wouldn't dare put a bomb in Prada!

What would you like to drink, sir?

Una cerveza, por favor.

Oh, thank GOD!!!