Getting Over The Hurdles

By Amy Dickinson

What lies behind the tempers, compulsions, tears and laughter of young children? Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Joshua Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, have come up with the term touchpoints in a new book to describe the bursts of inexplicable behavior that seem to grip young children just before they make a developmental leap. A child just about to walk, for instance, might be restless at night, or cranky for days, until the afternoon she masters her first shaky trip across the carpet. Or a three-year-old struggling to acquire his language skills might have daily meltdowns until he can make himself understood verbally. Milestones, such as new siblings or the first day of school, can trigger bouts of regression that make sense only later--once parents have had a chance to analyze their child's difficulties.

In Touchpoints Three to Six, Brazelton and Sparrow profile four imagined children of different temperaments as they progress from nursery school to first grade. Brazelton and Sparrow are great believers in the power of parents' modeling good behavior for their children, and they give readers the same treatment--showing us how thoughtful adults react when their children hit the skids. For example, after his mother brings home a new baby, "Billy," 3, regresses and wets his bed at night. Billy's parents don't make a big deal of it and let him wear a diaper to bed. He soon adjusts to his new role as big brother and grows out of the problem. When parents are calm, they demonstrate just the sort of self-control their kids need to learn. The authors are especially good at illustrating the inescapable role of the child's individual temperament on behavior.

As a mother raising a child whose temperament is almost the polar opposite of mine, I liked the admonition "When you try to change a child's temperament, you can't. But if you try to do so, you are saying to the child, 'I don't like the way you are.'" Parents who learn to appreciate their children's strengths and don't condemn them for their weaknesses become more surefooted, fairer and better equipped to help them develop.

Brazelton and Sparrow constantly remind us of the joy and hilarity of parenting. A scene describing five-year-old "Billy" trying to glue back his little sister's hair made me remember how often life with kids is like hanging around with the Three Stooges.

Reading the authors' stories of children made me realize once again what a privilege it is--especially during these complicated times--to watch a child grow.

For more on T. Berry Brazelton, check out www.parentstalk.com