The Chicken Was Delicious

By Joel Stein

Ron Rosenbaum of the New York Observer used night-vision videocameras last month to capture, for the first time, the initiation ceremony of Skull and Bones--Yale's 169-year-old secret society whose members include George W. Bush and his father. Just days later and a few blocks away, I was employing far more extreme tactics to infiltrate an even more cloaked society. Porn n' Chicken, which has been around since 1996 and meets once a month to eat Popeyes and watch porn flicks, became Yale's most infamous organization this year when it began shooting a student-acted adult film, The StaXXX, which includes a nude scene shot inside the Skull and Bones headquarters. Though P n' C refused all press, I negotiated access by offering to bring a porn star with me. It was a tactic I vaguely recalled seeing in All the President's Men.

I persuaded Wicked Pictures actress Sydnee Steele, star of 160 films, including Sorority House Slaves and Nymphomercials, to fly to New York City and drive up to Yale with me last Tuesday. Sydnee and I had dinner with the core members of P n' C, including Sweet Jimmy the Benevolent Pimp, Baby Gristle and a gay guy named Fruit on the Bottom. As we ate a large Eritrean meal, it dawned on me that I was the only moron using his real name.

The previous Thursday the group had "tapped" next year's members, the same night Skull and Bones picked their next class. At 11:59 Tuesday night the dozen P n' C initiates, chosen by the "Tri-Colored Council," handed "the man in the orange cap" porn magazines with their name and e-mail address written inside. In return he gave them an "envelope" containing the secret P n' C greeting, which I will now divulge. Chicken 1, quoting the inscription on Man Ray's gravestone, says, "We are unconcerned but not indifferent." Chicken 2 replies, "For five dollars, I will give you the reach around." I also discovered that their "crest" is a chicken being choked. I also learned that quote marks make everything all mysterious and creepy-like.

After the initiation, more than 100 people squeezed into a dorm suite, even though the group had sent only 20 invitations. Sydnee was concerned because she had packed only 30 goody bags with T shirts, key chains and thermoses. Fortunately, everyone was understanding. The audience was half male, half female, including eight couples holding hands, one woman bearing an Erotic Poetics textbook and one who had a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby. The students were very supportive during the showing of Hell on Heels, cheering when Sydnee's name appeared onscreen. During a three-woman sex scene, Sydnee offered commentary: "Though I'm naturally a dominant, I can play a submissive... I shot a scene in this movie, and I don't even know what the story is. I haven't watched it yet." And "My _____ was ____ ____ the _____ of her ______." As the film continued, students raised their hands to ask questions such as "What do you think of feminism?" and "Do you like to have sex with your shoes on or off?"

Now that Yalies know that Skull and Bones requires initiates to retrieve a femur bone and lie in a coffin and that their other option is to watch movies with porn stars, I'm guessing there's going to be a different tone to leadership this century.