Minding Manners

By Amy Dickinson

I love the garish foolishness of the holidays--the hideous seasonal sweaters, the inclusion of the candy cane in the food pyramid, the annual opportunity to sit on a fat man's lap and tell him secrets. It is as if we called a time-out from the rules that dictate our everyday lives, and for many families this is a delightful occurrence. Unfortunately, this time of year also presents us with unusual social situations that call for extended families and friends to come together and share the convivial spirit of the season, which in my family leads to the annual shock of rediscovering that our adored children are, when it comes to eating, a pack of wolverines.

The holidays tend to highlight certain deficits in modern child rearing that aren't so obvious the rest of the year, when we're sharing pizza by the slice and eating burgers out of the bag. "What is this strange, many-pronged stabbing instrument?" our kids inquire at the holiday table, examining their forks. Finger bowls, napkin rings and the other trappings of formal dining are as mysterious to them as the relics of forgotten religions.

Etiquette experts say the best way to get children to exercise good table manners during the holiday season is to practice them at home. Says Carol Wallace, author of Elbows Off the Table, Napkin in the Lap, No Video Games During Dinner: "Table manners are just skills, and parents should start teaching their children when they're really young--knowing that it's not always going to be pretty." Children as young as four can learn how to set the table and pick up the basic elements of cutlery. Kids should be expected to sit fairly still in a chair, place their napkins in their laps and not speak while chewing. Occasional dinners at home at which family members sit down together with the television off and a candle lit, using cutlery and eating off actual plates, will help prepare children for more formal dining.

Hosts and hostesses can get the best performance out of their young guests by keeping things fairly simple and age appropriate. This doesn't mean that all children should be exiled to a "kid's table," but neither should they be expected to linger over coffee. Older children should be allowed to help clear plates and serve dessert, and younger children should be provided an after-meal distraction, whether it be puzzles, games or a video.

Judith Martin (a.k.a. Miss Manners), author of Miss Manners' Guide to Domestic Tranquility, reminds parents that having good table manners involves more than knowing which fork to use. "Some of the worst things that happen at the table are what is said, not how people eat," she says. Children need to be told that they shouldn't make comments about the color, squishiness or overall yuckiness of anything they're served, nor should they be forced to eat foods they don't like. Parents who coach their kids ahead of time will be spared the temptation to correct them in front of others. Children should be prompted to excuse themselves politely from the table when they are finished, asking first their parents and then their host. The surest way to inoculate children against memorable faux pas is to let them demonstrate simple graciousness. Many a transgression has been quickly forgotten when a child sincerely thanks the host after the meal--with a handshake or a hug.

For more information about table manners, visit time.com/personal You can send e-mail to Amy at [email protected]