Family Flame War

By Eugenie Allen

As the eldest of nine children, I've spent most of my life rounding up unruly siblings--for dinner when we were little, for special occasions now that we live in five different states--and I have the phone bills to prove it. You might think our close-knit clan would benefit from one of the many free group e-mail services available on the Internet. You might think they would save us time and money and headaches, since a single posting can take the place of serial e-mails or toll calls, spreading the word about who needs a ride to Thanksgiving dinner, for instance, or who's got the family recipe for Santa Face Cookies. You'd be wrong.

A few months ago, when sibling No. 4 was about to graduate from business school, all nine of us formed an e-mail list to synchronize our schedules. For a while we shared a lot of information quickly and efficiently, but then someone lobbed an online insult, or "flame," and the fire soon raged out of control. Some of us fled. Others stuck around to hose things down. But things were never the same.

We were learning the hard way what siblings John Levine and Margaret Levine Young already know: online family communication works best when you do it by the book. Make that their book, Poor Richard's Building Online Communities: Create a Web Community for Your Business, Club, Association, or Family.

First, you need rules. "No flaming" is a good one. We had no rules, so it was hard to cry foul when the discussion degenerated, as online talk is apt to do. One brother kept forwarding dirty jokes and chain letters. Others traded barbs ("You are an Ivy League idiot") and drivel ("How was David Letterman? I only saw second half").

Then you need a good parliamentarian the other members agree to respect and obey. As the eldest, I automatically took the role of "list mom." That may have been a mistake, considering all the snickering that went on behind my e-back: "20 bucks says that by the time Eugenie reads this, she has already sent an e-mail asking us to stop spamming her."

Next, beware of humor. As Levine explains, e-mail lacks audio and visual cues, so comments that are meant to be funny are often read the wrong way. His warning might have helped when No. 9 and I got into a minor online dispute and No. 5 stepped in to patch things up. "Thanks, Mr. Kissinger," I wrote, assuming he would be amused. He was not. "Perhaps you don't know my special loathing for Kissinger," he wrote back in a long, angry missive. The ensuing chill lasted weeks.

The blatant commercialism of our list provider, eGroups, only made matters worse ("Enter to WIN one of 10 NEW Kenmore Ranges!"), but Levine and Young say there are less obtrusive ones. They recommend eCircles.com JointPlanning.com and MyFamily.com

With all this e-wisdom between them, I figured Levine and Young must host the world's most civilized family e-mail list. It turns out they don't have one at all. They get so much business e-mail that when it comes to their extended family, they prefer telephone and face-to-face contact.

That sounds good to me. Or, since I have my sibs' attention, let's try this: Hey, Allens! What're you doing New Year's Eve?

For more about family mail lists, visit time.com/personal Questions for Eugenie? E-mail her at [email protected]