Where We Go from Here

By Christopher Buckley

November 17

All Florida absentee ballots are opened in the presence of Warren ("Probity") Christopher and James ("Integrity") Baker III. After throwing out ballots in which people have voted twice or for Pat Buchanan, Ralph Nader or Goofy, Bush's Florida lead increases from 327 to 328. Bush declares it "a sign from the Almighty" and says he will take office on Jan. 20, "by force, if necessary, though I'm hopeful that won't be necessary."

November 18

Jesse Jackson reassures ballot-challenged Palm Beach Gore supporters who have managed to vote for Pat Buchanan that they should "stand up and be proud." He performs an auto-da-fe in front of the residence of Theresa LePore, the Palm Beach supervisor of elections, a Democrat. LePore flees the country, complicating efforts to validate the vote in Palm Beach County.

--Bush dispatches Texas Rangers to Tallahassee to seize Florida ballots, "just to be on the safe side." The Rangers are joined by Florida State Troopers loyal to Florida Governor Jeb ("El Exigente") Bush. They cordon off the Florida State Election Commission with armored vehicles.

--U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan announces that he is sending peace-keeping troops to the Florida State Election Commission.

November 19

The 75 lawyers dispatched to Florida by the Gore campaign announce that they have found evidence of "massive voter fraud": a glove containing O.J. Simpson's DNA found inside a polling booth. They produce records showing that Simpson, a Florida resident, did not vote in the election.

November 20

President-quasi-elect Bush announces that in the spirit of unity government, he will nominate Al Gore to be his Transportation Secretary.

November 21

Gore responds that "George Bush will have a vital place in my Administration: driving my limousine to the Capitol for my swearing-in."

November 22

Warren Christopher and James Baker III call a joint press conference asking for both sides to "chill." But their appearance takes a sudden rancorous turn when Baker jests with reporters afterward, "With all due respect, it was Ronald Reagan's election that got our hostages out of Teheran, not some elegantly tailored twerp L.A. lawyer."

--Christopher shrugs off Baker's remark as "just harmless banter from an over-rated Texas fixer." He adds that he "understand[s] why [Baker] is so eager to put another Bush in the White House since he couldn't keep the last one in."

November 23 [THANKSGIVING]

Gore campaign manager William Daley, appearing at a rally of 75 Democratic Party lawyers, chanting and waving gloves in the air, calls President-quasi-elect Bush a "banana Republican." He vows to charter "a fleet of 747s" and fly the entire membership of the Trial Lawyers Association to Tallahassee.

--Bush releases the names of two more Cabinet nominations: 24-year-old George P. Bush for Attorney General and Herbert X. Bush, a previously unknown Bush, to head the CIA.

November 24

Barbra Streisand and Rosie O'Donnell announce that if Bush takes office, they will move to another country. The Dow Jones average reacts by falling 780 points. Warren Christopher and James Baker set aside their differences and together urge Streisand and O'Donnell to reconsider, "for the good of the nation."

November 25

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris says a missing ballot box has been found inside a manatee in the waters of Indian River County. Bush announces the nomination of his sister-in-law Columba Bush as U.S. Commissioner of Customs.

November 28

Police are summoned to the headquarters of the newly formed Bipartisan Commission on Screwed-Up Presidential Elections to break up a fistfight between Warren Christopher and James Baker III. Christopher and Baker vow to set aside their differences and work to stem the crisis of emigration by liberal entertainers.

December 18

Florida's Electoral College members meet in Tallahassee to cast their votes for President. When black smoke is spotted coming from an air duct in the capitol building, network anchors, who gave the election to Gore early in the evening of Nov. 7, announce that this means electors are deadlocked. Viewers call in to point out that black smoke is the traditional signal of indecision by the College of Cardinals at the Vatican in Rome, not the state capitol in Tallahassee. Fire fighters are called in to put out the fire in the capitol, which it turns out has been started by an elector who thought he was putting his cigarette out in an ashtray, but instead dropped it in the U.S. mail chute.

December 19

Gore, bowing to pressure from Democratic party elders, withdraws from the presidential contest. Owing to the continuing violent blood feud between Warren ("Blood") Christopher and James ("Crip") Baker III, Bush is unaware of the development and also withdraws. "We are in uncharted waters here," declares an authority on uncharted waters. After frantic around-the-clock consultations between members of the House, Supreme Court Justices and representatives of Jay Leno and David Letterman, Strom Thurmond, the 98-year-old president pro tem of the Senate, is declared 43rd President of the United States. Barbra Streisand and Rosie O'Donnell announce that they will remain in the U.S. The Dow Jones soars.