Pat Buchanan

By Joel Stein

Pat Buchanan is the Reform Party presidential candidate.

Q. How do you respond to people who say a vote for you is actually a vote for a crazy old coot?

A. I'm not that old.

Q. Are you going to stick with the Reform Party after this?

A. Sure. The only room they have for me in the Republican Party is in the dungeon.

Q. What will your first 100 days be like?

A. They'll make F.D.R.'s look tepid.

Q. I've always wanted to be in someone's Cabinet.

A. You better call Al.

Q. You think he's got it?

A. No. But I think he's the only one who can fit you in.

Q. If we get rid of illegal immigrants, am I going to have to do my own gardening?

A. And wash your own car too. You're all going to have to learn how to fend for yourselves one of these days.

Q. I know you're against gay marriage, but sometimes when you watch Will & Grace, don't you think, "They're so charming."

A. When I watch who?

Q. Will & Grace, the TV show. A. I've never heard of it.

Q. It's the TV show with the gay guys.

A. We only watch Nash Bridges.

Q. Oh, that's good. With Don Johnson. A. Yeah. He was phenomenal in that golf show. The one he was in with Kevin Costner. Tin Cup or something like that.

Q. The movie.

A. It was a great show. We used to be fans of Dallas. Before that, Kojak. But I've never heard of the show you're talking about.

Q. When you use the phrase "Christian Nation," you really mean "Christian Nation plus that one cute little Jew who writes the funny column in TIME," right?

A. You're as welcome as the flowers in May.

--By Joel Stein