Block That Hug

By Amy Dickinson

A recent front-page story out of Maryland presented a nightmarish scenario for teachers and other adults who work with children as volunteer coaches, tutors or scout leaders. The story concerns a gym teacher who was accused of sexual misconduct--hugging, fondling and sexual remarks--by seven middle-school students. The teacher's reputation, unblemished through 32 years in the classroom, was in ruins--until the kids eventually recanted their stories.

While the incidence of false accusation is extremely rare--less than 1% of sexual-abuse accusations prove unfounded, according to Federal Government estimates--the Maryland case highlights the great care that adults who work with children should take not only to protect kids from sexual abuse but also to protect themselves from misunderstandings or accusations.

Teachers are generally given basic guidelines on which kinds of personal contact with children are acceptable, but adults who volunteer to work with children on an informal or infrequent basis often don't realize that we are living in a new world in which a well-intentioned hug can become a criminal offense.

We have done such a thorough job of sensitizing our children to the horrors of sexual abuse that they often know better than their elders what is now considered inappropriate personal touching. Physical contact of the sort that parents have with their children--the tickling and other affectionate horseplay--is inappropriate when dealing with other people's children. Some standards may seem overly careful or even ridiculous, but the Nonprofit Risk Management Center, an organization that counsels nonprofit groups on legal liabilities, says everyone who works with children--whether as a Sunday-school teacher or school-dance chaperone--should be vigilant in checking his behavior.

Experts agree that an adult should generally avoid being alone with someone else's child. Youth-sport coaches should conduct their one-on-one instruction out of earshot but in full view of others. All sorts of "private" counseling with children should be held with the door open and in a well-traveled area.

If a kid is dawdling in the locker room, send another player to fetch him. If a child needs to use the bathroom, use a buddy system, whether an adult is present or not. Don't touch a child unless it is necessary--for example, if she is injured--and then only in front of others. Don't hug a player or pupil; a "high-five" is better. An adult should avoid being alone in a car with someone else's child. A chaperone or coach waiting for a child to be picked up after a game or dance should wait with the child in a public place. Adults who work with children shouldn't share overly personal or sexual information or e-mail jokes or personal comments.

If a child approaches an adult with a story about sexual misconduct, the child should be believed and the matter thoroughly investigated. Despite today's charged atmosphere, in which it may seem that allegations are so easily made, estimates are that for every serious incident reported, 10 go unreported. Sadly, the majority of incidents of sexual abuse against children are perpetrated by family members or "friends"--well beyond the boundaries of careful coaches, caring mentors and open-door conferences.

See our website at time.com/personal for more ways to protect kids from sex abuse--and adults from misunderstandings