Kids and Funerals

By Amy Dickinson

My nine-year-old pal Martha has had a rough year. Her beloved maternal grandmother was killed by a drunk driver several months ago, and just two weeks ago, her paternal grandmother died after a long illness. The oldest of four kids, Martha is responsible and articulate. But she is still a young child, struggling with sadness and grief for the first time. Martha and her siblings have responded in line with their ages and temperaments, but all have experienced degrees of fear, anxiety and what their mother describes as "despair."

When children experience the death of a beloved relative or friend, or even a pet, our first reaction as parents is to shield them from grief. This is natural: we're only trying to fulfill the promises we whispered to them when they were born. But "protecting" a child from the death of a loved one doesn't work. Children who don't deal openly with grief can develop lasting emotional and developmental problems. Instead of trying to prevent sadness, we have to help our children experience it.

We can start by using plain and honest language in discussing a death with our kids, no matter how young they are. Euphemisms such as "Granddad slipped away in the night" or "We had to put the kitty to sleep" leave the harmful impression that death is not permanent. The death of a pet often offers an early opportunity to get this right. A child who understands that the family dog has died and is not coming back--but will be remembered--will more easily comprehend the death of a friend or relative.

Kids want to know what their parents believe happens to loved ones after death. One of my friends reminded his sons of the shells they collected at the beach, left by animals that had died. Their granddad's body, he said, was like one of those shells: his spirit didn't live there anymore, but instead lived on in their hearts and memories and in heaven. Young children who lack the verbal skills to express their feelings about death should be encouraged to draw pictures, play and pretend. (My daughter's "burying" her doll after a death in the family showed me the value of such play.)

I think parents should encourage children of all ages to attend funerals and other death rituals, but should not force them. Explain what the child can expect to see, what he should do and how others might act. My young friend Martha, her siblings and her young cousins were encouraged to attend the funerals of their grandmothers, and those kids who declined were given other options, such as visiting the grave site or church after the services were over. Martha's family also worked together to create "memory boxes" as a way to memorialize their grandmothers, with each child contributing stories, drawings, keepsakes and photographs. They have also talked about making a video together, with each contributing her memories.

Even though the death of a relative may make a family prone to turn inward, parents should be mindful that when children are grieving, they especially need their friends. A kid will express his sadness to his friends in a way he might not to his parents, especially when they are sad too. When I asked Martha what was most helpful in coping with her grandmothers' deaths, she said, "Talking. Talking with my best friend was the best thing for me."

See our website at time.com/personal for more on teaching kids about death. You can e-mail Amy at [email protected]