Asking for Trouble

By Amy Dickinson

My friend Susan has walked down the aisle so many times that she refers to her many ex-husbands not by name but by number. When she talks about her various marriages it sounds as if she is ordering from a Chinese menu. Now happily married for the fourth (and final!) time, she says she might have found herself a hobby other than marriage if only she and Husbands One, Two and Three had settled some very basic issues before saying "I do."

This month an estimated 250,000 couples will get engaged. Rings will be hidden in boxes of Valentine chocolates, declarations of love will be written across the sky and hope will triumph over experience. But engaged couples can be an obnoxious demographic. They go on endlessly about place settings and where to seat Uncle Bud at the reception, while ignoring the most important aspects of their future: family, friends and finances.

Unfortunately, the marriages that result from this month's happy engagements have only a 1 in 2 chance of lasting. Couples can increase their odds for a successful marriage, however, by doing something fairly simple. Before they tie the knot, they can interview for the position.

Todd Outcalt, author of Before You Say "I Do," believes that marrying couples need to sit down and more or less conduct job interviews. This idea, while unromantic, is a great way to answer every couple's most basic question: What do we want our future to be? Outcalt suggests that prospective wives and husbands separately write down questions, listen carefully for the answers and prepare themselves for some surprises.

First, ask about children: Do you want them? When? How many? Would you consider adoption? How would you rear and discipline children? This should lead to questions about your intended's upbringing. How would you describe your childhood? Your parents? Siblings? Your parents' marriage? What would you do differently?

Ask your future spouse about finances. How much do you earn (and save) a year? How much do you owe? What are your financial goals and retirement plans? Who do you think should handle the money? How much money do you expect me to make? Will one of us be the breadwinner? Couples should ask each other about relationships, especially attitudes toward previous lovers or spouses. (A future spouse who hates all the exes should raise red flags.) Ask about attitudes toward friendship, love and fidelity. (Note: "You complete me" isn't an answer.) Religion, sex and politics should be similarly explored in depth.

Prospective spouses should also listen to their soul mate's friends and family. A woman I know who was rushing into marriage once asked me, "What would you do if all your friends said your marriage was a really bad idea?" I said, "I would listen." She didn't, and now she has an ex-husband to show for it.

Couples can wrap up their interviews by asking an open-ended question such as "Do you have any secrets you ought to share with me?" Susan, my much married friend, ended a very brief marriage when she learned that Husband Three was still married to his "previous" wife. "Why didn't you tell me?" she raged. He replied, "Because you never asked."

See our website at time.com/personal for more about what you should ask your would-be spouse before it's too late