The Kids Are Alright

By Claudia Wallis

Let's face it, as grownups, it's our job to worry. And for those of us attempting to raise children at the close of this century, there's no shortage of anxieties to gnaw at the nerves and churn the gut. How, we wonder, can our children flourish and stay on course with only a few hours a day of parental devotion? How can kids focus on schoolwork when tempted by a luscious smorgasbord of multimedia junk? Hmm, would Ritalin help? Is Austin Powers too racy for a nine-year-old? How about tube tops and platform shoes? Looming larger is a more ominous concern: Will my child's life end in a burst of gunfire and a pool of blood on the cafeteria's cold linoleum floor?

Surely American kids have never faced a more corrupting, corrosive and threatening environment. Or have they? Given the recent headlines and hand wringing, it is something of a shock to discover that according to a major new kids' survey, children don't see the world that way at all. For them, the mid-century mantra of youth still applies: What, me worry?

From mid-May through June 1, just a few weeks after the Littleton, Colo., shootings, New York-based pollsters Penn, Schoen & Berland Assoc. sat down with 1,172 kids, ages 6 to 14, in 25 U.S. cities. The poll was conducted for Nickelodeon, the children's TV channel, and TIME. Kids from a sample weighted to match U.S. demographics were interviewed one-on-one and without their parents in a venue where most feel at ease: a shopping mall. Pollsters also interviewed 397 parents.

What emerges loud and clear from the study is that kids are very happy to be kids, and they don't view the world as the nasty place their parents perceive it to be. Nine out of 10 say they feel safe in their schools and neighborhoods. While parents list crime, violence and guns as the worst aspects of being a child today, such concerns are way down the list for kids. Their gripes are the timeless laments of childhood: "getting bossed around," homework, chores.

Are kids in a hurry to grow up, as parents presume? No way, say 8 out of 10 of the 6- to 11-year-olds who answered this question. "Because then I'll have to manage my own money and make my own dinner," explained one boy to a pollster. Despite a precocious fondness for R-rated movies (which half the 9- to 11-year-olds and 81% of 12- to 14-year-olds say they've seen), kids are not even eager to become teenagers. Younger kids have more fun, insist 64% of 6- to 11-year-olds. Even in this era of extracurricular overload, most kids (72%) said they have enough time to "just hang around" and do what they please.

As for the much lamented decline of family values, the anarchic influence of such shows as South Park, the collapse of parental authority and discipline--well, has anyone mentioned this to kids? Asked whom they admire most, 79% say it's good old Mom and Dad; an additional 19% name their grandparents. Athletes, musicians and movie stars don't even come close.

But God looms large in the life of the younger generation: 95% of the kids surveyed said they were believers. Nearly half claimed to attend religious services every week, and 8 out of 10 say they pray. Sure, they may enjoy dipping into the sultry waters of Dawson's Creek on Wednesday nights, but their ideas about sex would cheer William Bennett: 76% of those ages 12 to 14 say it's "somewhat or very important" to wait until marriage before having sex. When the other 24% were asked to name an appropriate age for premarital sex, these pubescent puritans settled on 23. The average age mentioned by parents: 18.

So are adults cultivating gray hairs and worry lines for nothing? Could it be that the kids are alright? For the most part, yes, and don't be so surprised, say several child psychologists consulted by TIME on the poll results.

"Parents remain the most significant people in children's lives, until age 14 or 15, when they have more fully embraced peer culture," says Jean Bailey, coordinator of child and adolescent mental-health services at Lutheran Medical Center in Brooklyn, N.Y. Personal values about religion, sex and obeying authority are shaped primarily shaped by parents right up until the teenage years, when things suddenly shift. While kids may be exposed to sex in the media, "there's a lot of anxiety about what the whole deal of sexual behavior is," says child psychologist Anthony Wolf, author of Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? (1991). Wolf is not surprised that kids are in no rush to become teens: "Teenagers are out there doing all these fast and wild things. Kids see that world as a little scary."

If Americans have the wrong idea about their kids, it may be because of the very disturbed and anomalous kids who make headlines. "We should be very concerned about those kids, but they are a small minority," notes Johns Hopkins sociologist Andrew Cherlin. Adults also tend to read too much into children's superficial gestures. A five-year-old who wants to dress like Posh Spice still wants to be a kid; after all, only kids get to play dress-up! And if kids seem to be growing up faster than they used to, the fault may lie partly with adults, especially some of those in the entertainment business. Says Nickelodeon president Herb Scannell, who commissioned the poll: "One of the problems we have in this industry is we make assumptions: kids don't want to see movies with kids; they want to see movies with teens, movies with aliens. We're not listening to kids."

The kids have taken note of this disregard, and if there's a lesson for parents in the Nickelodeon/TIME poll, it's tune in to your kids and show them some respect. While the majority of parents in the study claim to have great respect for kids, only 31% of kids feel that adults actually do respect them "a lot." This "respect gap" is even more glaring among kids in the 12- to 14 age group: 27% said they get little respect from adults or none at all.

"It's true that most adults think they don't have much to learn from children and don't really value their opinions, except on topics like, say, ice cream," says David Elkind, professor of child development at Tufts University and author of The Hurried Child (1981). "Kids do have interesting ideas, if you're willing to listen. And I think sometimes adults are not civil enough with kids, saying please, thank you, apologizing for breaking promises."

Sensitive young teens emerge as a particularly interesting group in the poll. The middle school years are perilous. While only 14% of the 9- to 11-year-olds said they had ever tried alcohol, the figure rose to 42% among 12- to 14-year-olds. Drug use rose from zero to 11%; smoking from 11% to 44%.

Peer pressure rears its head in other ways as well. What does it take to "fit in" at school? Kids ages 9 to 11 say it's being a good friend, being good at sports and being funny or popular. But kids in the 12- to 14 group have different criteria: clothes come first, then "being popular" and third, good looks. "This is a little bit sad," observes Wolf, "but it also shows parents what they're up against if they're trying to draw the line on certain clothes." The emphasis on having the right stuff to wear may also help explain why low-income kids in the poll worry the most about fitting in.

The early teens are the years when parents fall off the pedestal. While 57% of 9- to 11-year-olds say they want to be like their parents, only 26% of 12- to 14-year-olds do. "This is the 100% normal, virtually inevitable moment when kids develop an allergy to their parents," says Wolf. "They don't want to breathe the same way their parents do."

Despite all this, 60% of kids ages 12 to 14 say, as most younger kids do, that they would like to spend more time with their parents. The problem, of course, is finding that time, which is at a premium in the increasing number of two-earner households and those headed by single parents. A clear reflection of how families have changed: 41% of the kids sampled said they spend an equal amount of time with both parents. "This is one of our most significant cultural changes," says Dr. Leon Hoffman, who co-directs the Parent Child Center at the New York Psychoanalytic Society. In practice for 30 years, Hoffman has found a "very dramatic difference in the involvement of the father--in everything from caretaking to general decision making around kids' lives." Alas, this change has been slower to reach black children: 76% of black kids surveyed said they spend more time with their mom than their dad.

There are other signs of change. The most worrisome: 1 in 6 kids ages 12 to 14 claims to have seen a gun at school. Other studies have also shown that American kids have easy access to guns. That kids in the survey feel safe at school may be because school shootings remain rare. The study did find, however, that black and Hispanic children are a lot more worried than whites about being crime victims.

On the upside, tolerance for diversity seems to be gathering strength. Most kids support the notion that girls and boys can play on the same sports teams. Nine out of 10 say they have friends of a different race. Four out of 10 say that it's not very important, or not important at all, that a future spouse should be someone of the same race. Most expect to see a black President and a woman President in their lifetime.

As an institution, however, the presidency appears to have suffered: 62% of kids ages 9 to 14 say they do not want to grow up to be President. "It's too much pressure, and everyone is watching you," explained a seventh-grade girl. "I don't want to turn out like Bill and Monica," said an 11-year-old. In fact, 67% of 9- to 14-year-olds said they'd rather be Bill Gates than Bill Clinton.

But mostly, and most reassuringly, kids just want to be kids. What's so great about it? Parents in the poll said the boon for kids today is technology and computers. They just don't get it. The best things about being a kid, say those who really know, are playing, hanging with friends and having fun. Well, duh!

--With reporting by Harriet Barovick/New York

With reporting by Harriet Barovick/New York