Stepped-On Moms

By Andrea Sachs

When Valerie Hermes got married two years ago to James, a divorced man with three children, her life-style changed dramatically. Before you could say "sport utility vehicle," the 29-year-old Dallas market researcher had moved to the suburbs and thrown herself into instant parenthood. Yet despite the many hours she has spent caring for her stepchildren, Hermes says they are often angry at her. "I'm there, and I'm doing all these mother things," she says. "I'm making their lunch, and I'm helping them with their homework, and I'm doing all of this stuff every day through the week, and I feel like I don't really get any appreciation."

Welcome to the world of stepmothers, a group vying for the title of Last Misunderstood Minority. With the high divorce rate, it is a minority that is growing. There are now 15 million stepmothers in the U.S., most of them with part-time custody. While there are obviously stepmothers who love the role, many other women encounter problems. "You have to learn how to traverse a minefield of emotions--yours, your husband's and the kids'," says therapist Sue Patton Thoele, author of The Courage to Be a Stepmom.

By definition, stepmothers are rivals to the most revered figure in society: the birth mother--Mom. Whether the first wife is still in the picture or deceased, idealized thoughts about her haunt a stepmother's new home. "The mere fact that these children exist means that the first marriage in some ways lives on in hers," says Cherie Burns, author of Stepmotherhood. Stepmothers are often seen as stepmonsters, wicked characters in fairy tales or destructive home wreckers.

Just because the new brood is not her own doesn't prevent the stepmother from taking on substantial maternal responsibilities. "Because of the way they've been socialized, and because of social expectations, typically women have more pressure put on them in stepfamilies to parent and to take care of the kids," says James Bray, a clinical psychologist who did a nine-year study of stepfamilies that was funded by the National Institutes of Health. Meanwhile, the first wife may be antagonistic toward her successor. These factors place a heavy burden on the new family. About 55% of second marriages fail, partly because of these issues.

Stepmotherhood can look particularly alluring to women who have never had children. But Philippa Greene Mulford, author of Keys to Successful Stepmothering, refers to this as the "Whoops! I forgot to have kids. Let me get a ready-made family" syndrome. "That's a huge trap," she warns. Those who have been parents have at least some experience in family relationships. But a neophyte may find it tough sledding. Add career to the equation, and the result may be a total meltdown. "Being a successful female executive does not require the same skills you need to be a stepmother," says Jeannette Lofas, president of the Stepfamily Foundation in New York City. Advises author Thoele: "Run, do not walk, to a support group."

The times, however, are achanging. It's not quite Stepmothers' Lib yet, but as their ranks grow, stepmoms are becoming more vocal. Websites abound, as do organizations like Stepmothers International, Inc. in Arlington, Texas. A number of guidebooks, while polite in tone, share a quiet militancy, as their stepmother-authors demand respect and understanding for who they are and what they have to do.