Vanilla Ice

By Joel Stein

Rapper Vanilla Ice is touring with his new thrash-metal album, Swallow This.

Q: Your new album has a song called ADD. Do you have attention-deficit disorder?

A: Of course. I take medication for it.

Q: Rap is a perfect outlet for someone with ADD.

A: It is?

Q: Sure--it's quick and repetitive.

A: I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.

Q: Me either. You were naked in Madonna's book, Sex ...

A: No I wasn't. I had my pants on. But the way they photoed it didn't show my lower half, and Madonna was completely naked, so it looked like I was naked. That's one of my regrets.

Q: Really?

A: Yeah, what happened was, I went over to her house, and we were taking photos. I didn't think anything big was going to come from it. And next thing you know, she has this book selling for like $100 and threw me into her slutty package.

Q: How much of your life now is just getting made fun of?

A: Yeah. I was the butt end of a lot of jokes. I had tremendous success, but it was ripped away from me at the same time it was given to me, so I never had time to enjoy it. I worked too hard at this to end up cheesed out like I did. I sold myself out. I take the blame for the whole Vanilla Ice image. I can actually look back on it and say, "That sucks." That's why I've got a song on my record called F___ Me.

Q: Fitzgerald said there are no second acts in American lives.

A: Who's Fitzgerald?

Q: F. Scott Fitzgerald?

A: Who's that?

Q: He was a writer. He did The Great Gatsby and Tender Is the Night.

A: Oh.

--By Joel Stein