Notebook
By Harriet Barovick, Tam M. Gray, Daniel S. Levy, Lina Lofaro, Michele L. Orecklin, Alain L. Sanders and Joel Stein
WINNERS
BILL CLINTON Mysterious magnetic star sends dangerous rays toward earth. At last, the diversion he's prayed for!
THE WB Network's young lust-and-angst formula a winner; MSNBC tries to copy, but Monica's no Felicity
SHANE SPENCER Young Yank out-homering Big Mac. An immortal? Who cares? This is a sweet spot in time
& LOSERS
DESMOND PFEIFFER Stupid series mugs Lincoln, mocks slavery. Pronounced "Puh-feiffer," as in "Puh-thetic"
ALAN GREENSPAN Like a parsimonious tipper, he grudgingly pares the prime. Way to solve the financial crisis!
HELMUT KOHL It will take a big man to fill his shoes, though not as big a man as it would to fill his shorts
GIRLFRIEND! THE WIT AND WISDOM OF LINDA TRIPP
I almost called you mom," Monica Lewinsky blurted to her so-called friend Linda Tripp, speaking clearly into a bugged phone line. In the girl-talk transcripts released last week, Linda's advice, feints and thrusts have a certain eloquence. For example, describing the epic in which she and Lewinsky are embroiled: "Whew, this is a weird movie." How could one not be affected? More examples of Tripp's wisdom--and tactics.
TRUST ME
Tripp: The beauty of [the affair] is it has stayed internal, and it will never taint you down the road... I mean you will not suffer beyond the normal regret... That won't go anywhere else...
WHAT TAPE RECORDER?
Lewinsky (on the phone): You know what's really weird? I keep hearing these double clicks.
T: That's my gum.
L: Oh, O.K.
THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH
T: He could have a medical examination.
L: He did.
T: Well, maybe they measured it.
L: Well, they'd have to...measure it erect. I mean, like, oh my God.
T: ... Did Gennifer Flowers ever specify the size...
L: No, she just said...
T: [REDACTED]
L: [REDACTED]
T: [REDACTED]
RULE OF THUMB
T: (on Clinton) He's afraid... Self-preservation is everything.
AND WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT?
T: What is the definition of sex?
L: Intercourse. I never had intercourse. I did not have a sexual relationship.
I KNOW THESE THINGS
T: And do I believe he harassed [former White House volunteer Kathleen Willey]? Of course not. I mean in the true sense of the world, the word, of course not. Do I think he kissed her? Yeah ... It's hard to fake beard burn.
TRUST ME SOME MORE
T: Oh, Monica, Monica, Monica, I know you can't see it now, but I promise you a year from now, when you look back on this, you will have a much, much healthier perspective, and you will be so glad you got the [REDACTED] outta here.
WELL, I NEVER...
T: You're--You're so good at it. No wonder he likes phone sex with you... You're just like a little Marilyn Monroe vixen. I--I would--I, I, I know, in my wildest dreams, I could never have phone sex.
L: Oh, yes, you could.
TRY CRASHING
T: The other thing is, do you want to go to one of those Christmas parties [where Clinton will be present]?
L: I don't know.
T: Because you could probably work an invitation at the very least... I mean, you could take your mom.
L: My mom would vomit if she saw him... I think she'd smack him...
T: It would freak him out, wouldn't it?
YOU SAID WHAT?
L: You know what I said at the end [of a phone call with Clinton]?
T: What?
L: ...What's the worst thing I could say?
T: "Do you love me?"
L: No.
T: "I love you."
L: Yep.
T: You didn't.
L: I did. We're getting off, and I'm like, all right, "I love you, butthead." I called him butthead.
T: You didn't.
L: ...I was like, oh my God, what the hell just came out of my mouth...
T: Butthead.
L: Butthead.
CONTEST CORNER
A WINNER! In Contest #3 readers had to imagine the composition Bill Clinton wrote on how he spent his summer vacation. John Capanna of Pasadena, Calif., won:
"Mark Twain wrote that the coldest winter he ever spent was one summer in San Francisco. He never went to Martha's Vineyard with Hillary. Between the emotional tension and the almost constant pain I've inflicted on myself from biting my lower lip, this has not been a restful summer. I used to find solace in a good cigar, but no longer. I know that I was supposed to keep this essay to 50 words or less, and technically I have, by using my own definition of 50."
ANNOUNCING NOTEBOOK CONTEST #4 Crossover is in vogue. Characters from Ally McBeal appear on The Practice, cops from Law & Order show up on Homicide. Your challenge: imagine a wild, wonderful crossover between two shows. E-mail your entry to [email protected] or fax it to 212-467-1010, or mail it to TIME Notebook Contest #4, Room 2321B, Time & Life Building, N.Y., N.Y. 10020.
PROPHET OF THE YEAR
Babe Ruth was a pretty good home-run hitter in his day. However, the Babe was no Mark McGwire. Only one thing stands between the slugger and 62 home runs: at bats... If healthy, the new McGwire isn't a 50-homer man. In this age of juiced balls, handkerchief-size strike zones, band-box parks, expansion-diluted pitching and religious weight lifting, McGwire could hit 70 home runs." --Sportswriter Thomas Boswell, in Inside Sports magazine in 1996
EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT PROSTITUTES...
Ah, to be among the first to recognize the significance of a new theme in a great artist's work! Imagine the thrill of realizing what death meant for Bergman or alienation for Antonioni. Well, lately a new theme has emerged in the films of Woody Allen: prostitution. Working girls have figured prominently in three of his recent movies: Mira Sorvino's squeaky call girl in Mighty Aphrodite, the outrageous Hazelle Goodman in Deconstructing Harry, and the instructive Bebe Neuwirth in Celebrity.
NEWS QUIZ
1 When the Makah Indians began the first legal whaling expedition in the U.S. in 50 years, animal-rights protesters did all but which of the following:
a) followed them with a submarine painted like a whale with underground speakers to scare whales away
b) held a vigil
c) tried to convince them that whale meat is bitter and kind of stringy
2 Mike McCurry, the cuddly, lovable, impish Clinton press secretary, left his job on Friday. Who is his replacement?
a) Joe Lockhart b) Barry Toiv c) Ronald Ziegler d) Bob Guccione
3 UPN aired the premiere of The Secret History of Desmond Pfeiffer, a sitcom about Abe Lincoln's fictional black butler, causing
a) a national debate on slavery b) the N.A.A.C.P. to protest the show c) people to wonder who's green lighting projects for UPN
4 Florida Marlins manager Jim Leyland quit his job last Friday because of
a) the owners having traded away all the good players b) ugly feuds with his players c) the humidity
5 Math Problem: Bill Clinton offered Paula Jones $700,000 to settle her sexual-harassment suit. Paula recently got a nose job. If she accepts the settlement, what combination of plastic surgery and automobile can Paula afford?
a) breast enlargement and a Bentley b) liposuction and a Rolls-Royce c) eye tuck, stomach staple and a Testarossa d) all of the above
6 Roseanne offered Monica Lewinsky an amount "seven figures times two or three" to appear on her show. What kind of number is that, per Roseanne's math?
a) $10 trillion to $100 quintillion (between 14 and 21 figures) b) $2 million to $3 million c) Roseanne has no concept whatsoever of basic mathematics
7 The G-7 will meet this weekend to discuss the world financial crisis. Which of the following is not in the G-7?
a) Canada b) Italy c) Burkina Faso
8 Which of the following is not a member of the rap group Wu Tang Clan?
a) Method Man b) Ghostface Kila c) Burkina Faso
Answers: 1.c 2.a 3.b 4.a 5.d 6.b 7.c 8.c
60 SECOND SYMPOSIUM
It was a great season for assaults on seemingly unbreakable records. We asked top sports-stats mavens to tell us which baseball records are mathematically least likely to be broken.
Carl Morris, statistics professor, Harvard: Joe DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak and Mark McGwire's record of one homer per 7.27 at bats will last well into the next century. The best home-run hitters, playing in Colorado, might hit more than 70. But McGwire hit his 70 in just 509 at bats, with 33% more homers per at bat than Sammy Sosa and 17% more than Ruth's previous major league record.
Tom Cover, professor, Stanford: Ted Williams would have generated 19.62 runs per game in 1941 if he had batted in all nine places in the lineup. Babe Ruth would have generated 19.13 runs per game in 1923, but no modern player is close. McGwire is consistently around 13, and Sosa is 8.3 this year.
Jay Bennett of Bellcore, sports statistician: Ty Cobb's 50 career steals of home and Cy Young's 511 wins will probably never be reached without a major shift in the nature of the game. Also in this category is Nolan Ryan's 5,714 strikeouts. Schilling, Clemens and Johnson have virtually no chance to break this record. On the other hand, Hank Aaron's 755-HR record is within reach of several current sluggers.
NUMBERS
$70 billion Amount Clinton announced as this year's budget surplus, the first surplus since 1969
$80 billion Amount of tax cuts currently proposed by Republicans
$50 million Estimated amount Pentagon plans to spend on Viagra for troops and retirees in the coming year
45 Tomahawk cruise missiles one could buy for that amount
70 Home runs hit by Mark McGwire in 1998
5 Yards the St. Louis Rams football team were penalized for the excessive noise their fans made when cheering McGwire's 70th clout, which took place several blocks away
$53.4 million Cost of Bill Gates' new mansion
$25,025 Highest bid so far at Microsoft's charity campaign to win a tour of the mansion. Visit includes refreshments and quality time with Bill
$10.4 million Amount the company hopes to raise for charity
Sources: New York Times, Associated Press