Notebook

By Tam Gray, Daniel Levy, Michele Orecklin, Romesh Ratnesar, Jeffrey Ressner, Alain Sanders and Joel Stein

WINNERS & LOSERS

[WINNERS]

DAVID KENDALL Before the videotape came out: bad move. Now: genius! Figured out how Bill should play to the camera

BILL CLINTON Not Honest Abe the Railsplitter but Lyin' Bill the Hairsplitter; but now there's talk of a deal

MONICA LEWINSKY Turns out to be the Poster Girl for Young and Foolish, which, as the jurors saw, is forgivable

[& LOSERS]

LINDA TRIPP Discovers the Planet Starr is a cold one, as Ken investigates her. Also learns Monica--surprise--hates her

THE NETWORKS Hoping for drama, they blow millions airing the tedious interrogation of a testy talking head

BOB BENNETT You're the prez's big-time lawyer, but here's a flash: he tunes you out when you talk

I WANNA TESTIFY: MONICA & BILL BY THE NUMBERS

6, 15.6 Weight, in pounds and ounces, of the appendices to the Starr report, released last week by the House Judiciary Committee

4, 3 Length, in hours and minutes, of President Clinton's grand jury testimony

400 Questions asked by the prosecutors

3 Questions asked by Kenneth Starr

37 Times Clinton used the word contact to explain what did or did not happen between him and Monica Lewinsky

20 Times he referred to his initial statement about "inappropriate intimate contact" instead of answering questions about his encounters with Lewinsky

84 Times Clinton said he couldn't remember or recall

17 Times Clinton said he answered questions as "best I could"

5 Times Clinton acknowledged being "not particularly helpful" to Jones' lawyers

0 Times he invoked the Fifth Amendment

38 Number of times Clinton pointed his finger at a prosecutor while answering a question

20 Sips of water he took

14 Sips of Diet Coke he took

10 Sips of Canada Dry he took

0 Times he blew his top

10 Times Lewinsky says she performed oral sex on Clinton

2 Times she characterized that as "having sex" (also, the number of times she says he ejaculated)

1 Times she calls Clinton her "sexual soul mate"

3 Times she says she was performing oral sex that he was speaking on the phone

30 Gifts she says she gave him

18 Gifts she says she got from him

1 Hatpin he gave her that she describes as "vibrant, unique and beautiful"

$3 Value of that hatpin, as estimated by the Office of the Independent Counsel

1 Times she uses the word rat in association with Linda Tripp

1 Times she says "Ugh" in association with Tripp

3 Times she says Tripp was jealous of her

1 Times she explains Tripp's decision not to give false testimony as predicated on a comment a psychic made to "an Indian friend" of Tripp's

8/9 Date in 1995 when she says they first flirted

8/9 Date in 1974 when Richard Nixon resigned

PLUGOLA

JUST FOR THE CASH OF IT Clinton's defense is costing a fortune, and no one thought product placement? Wake up, Ms. Bloodworth-Thomason! Some think the President's swilling of Diet Coke during his testimony could have made him $2 million to $10 million, although one doubter says Coke usually trades free product for its spots. Maybe he should wear an Omega watch, a la James Bond.

HELP WANTED

HIRE THE IMAGE IMPAIRED! Last week's documents show that one place Monica Lewinsky wanted to work was George magazine. That's still a fab idea, and here's how you can help. Just clip and mail this coupon!

Dear Mr. Kennedy: Monica is perfect for George! Please give her a job!

(Optional:) If you do, I'll subscribe! Name ______________________ Street ____________________ City ______________________

Mr. John F. Kennedy Jr. Editor, George 1633 Broadway New York NY 10019

Instructions: 1) Clip 2) Enlarge on a copier 150% 3) Use 32[cent] stamp 4) Post

MY HERO

HONEST, ABE! Yes, that really was Senator Strom Thurmond cheering Nelson Mandela below a statue of Abraham Lincoln last week. Thurmond, who in 1948 ran for President as a segregationist and who in 1957 conducted a record-busting filibuster against a civil rights bill, was not always so Mandela friendly. In 1985 he voted against imposing economic sanctions on South Africa's apartheid regime and for a provision declaring Mandela's African National Congress a terrorist group; in 1986 he voted against sanctions again and backed an unsuccessful Reagan veto of the measures. But that was before Mandela got out of jail.

CASTING CALL

PLAYING THE QUEEN Aretha Franklin was asked last week what actress could play her in a film version of her life story. "Maybe Natalie Cole?" she mused. "Toni Braxton has a resemblance to me at a younger age. I love Vivica Fox...and I really love Brandy." On a scale of 1 to 10, here is how we rate that race:

Cole Braxton Fox Brandy

R-E-S-P-E-C-T-ability 8 4 7 6 Think-fulness 8 2 7 5 Natural Woman-liness 6 8 8 * Sheer Diva-attitude 7 9 3 5

*Under 18

PAYING LIP SERVICE TO A FINE FEATURE

John Waters' new feature film, Pecker, opened last week. We asked Waters about another distinctive feature, his pencil-thin mustache.

Q. Why a pencil-thin mustache?

A. I'm trying to wipe out with one move all my good breeding. Actually, I always wanted to be Little Richard as a child.

Q. Is it difficult to maintain?

A. No, I really don't even think about it anymore. Every morning I shave from the top, and use a scissors on the bottom twice a week. I've had it since I was 19. I'm 52 now, and I'm thinking of dyeing it blue when I go gray.

Q. Who else has a good pencil-thin mustache?

A. The lead singer of the Platters. It's mostly R.-and-B. stars or villains in 1930s movies.

Q. How would a pencil-thin mustache affect Ken Starr's appearance?

A. The only reason I would shave off my mustache is if Ken Starr grew one.

CLINTON AS J.F.K., PART 71

From RFK: A Candid Biography of Robert F. Kennedy, page 234: "'I visited [President Kennedy] twice at the White House,' continued call girl Leslie Devereux, 'the first time in a small room off the Oval Office.'" If true, perhaps a plaque is in order.