Notebook

By Ian Judson, Daniel S. Levy, Michele Orecklin, Alain L. Sanders, Joel Stein and David E. Thigpen

WINNERS & LOSERS

[WINNERS]

VLADIMIR LENIN Sure, a few years ago he looked lame and old, even for a dead guy. But now, with the crash of the ruble, it's retrocommunism, baby! Vlad's back!

SCOTT RITTER Your boss won't let you inspect the weapons you want. The Iraqi dictator won't play fair. It's time to throw in the gas mask. Then talk to every major news outlet

[& LOSERS]

HURRICANE BONNIE Tuesday, it was evacuate-or-die tough-guy talk. Then Bonnie rolled out to the ocean and left us feeling let down. Maybe that's because it was heading toward D.C.

DOG SEX Some wacky millionaire is spending $2.3 million on not yet perfected scientific methods to get his dog Missy cloned. Hey, buddy, find a mail-order bride

RATING THE NETWORKS' SOGGY COVERAGE

As soon as authorities evacuate a storm-threatened town, reporters arrive to demonstrate exactly why the town was evacuated. Bonnie showed that while some embrace the tempest, others avoid it in expensive raingear. Continuing our highly praised, service-oriented journalism, we critique the performances:

NBC Rating: [5 umbrellas] Noting how well the whole boat motif worked for Leo DiCaprio, Kerry Sanders grips a ship's mast with one hand and a wind meter with the other. Insanely stupid or uncommonly brave? Either way, he's the man.

ABC Rating: [3 umbrellas] A water-logged Rebecca Chase delivers her report through chattering teeth. She wears the outfit well, but doesn't really seem to be enjoying the challenge. Rebecca, you may need a new agent.

CBS Rating: [4 umbrellas] Byron Pitt no doubt realizes the drama and good sense in holding on to a large, sturdy oak. Take heart, Byron. In his early years, Dan Rather was sent on these missions. The sturdy anchor desk awaits.

CNN Rating: [4 umbrellas] Martin Savidge earns points for braving the elements without headgear, but demerits for the questionable sartorial flourish of a towel-as-ascot. In the spirit of the Scud Stud, we dub him the Foul Weather Fop.

Weather Channel Rating: [2 1/2 umbrellas] We expected more from TWC. Don't they wait all year for this sort of thing? Love the ominous Bergman silhouette, but when the reporter's as hooded as Kenny from South Park, we can't feel the pain.

MSNBC Rating: [1/2 umbrella] What's up with this guy? While the storm rages down South, Pat Dawson looks as if he's prepping to grab a dog and take in the boardwalk rides at Atlantic City, N.J. Note to Pat: This is no way to win that Emmy.

KOMEDY KONTEST

We asked comedians to come up with their best joke about the crisis in Russia. Here are their picks:

As the old Russian riddle asks, How many rubles does it take to screw up a nation? --Richard Belzer

I don't want to say the buying power of the ruble is weak, but Kathie Lee Gifford just opened her third sweatshop in Moscow. --Nick Di Paolo

When the leader of Russia is more wasted than Otis from Andy Griffith, there is going to be a problem in the economy. --Carrot Top

Moscow H20: Just when you thought it was safe to get back in line. --Margaret Cho

Two words: Commie Spice. --Karen Kilgariff

A group of Americans taught a crash course on capitalism in Russia. The most difficult thing for the Russians to grasp was the concept of "lemony-fresh." --Jonathon Katz

I recommend that Russia stop trying to pursue a Western-style economy and instead pursue a country-western-style economy. --Andy Kindler

The reason Yeltsin fired the whole government was that he wants to replace everyone with interns. --Yakov Smirnoff

ASK MISS AMERICA

HERE SHE IS Miss America, Kate Shindle, takes time from her duties to answer TIME readers' questions:

Q. While my children are away at college, I'm thinking of redecorating their rooms to brighten them up a little. How would you feel if you came home and your room had been changed? --Judy Allen, South Carolina

A. It's a great idea, but if your kids are in a transitional phase, it might throw them off. Let them know what you plan to do, and ask how they feel. It never hurts to talk about things, and often hurts not to.

Q. Is it true that beauty contestants drink a lot of grapefruit juice? How do you stay slim? --Dave Ellis, Texas

A. I don't know much about beauty pageants because I've never entered a program whose outcome is based solely on looks, but I eat a low-fat meal every three hours, exercise one to two hours a day and drink a lot of water.

Q. Are you Jewish? --Lisa Silverberg, New York

A. I'm Catholic, which has created sensitivity regarding my discussion this year on HIV prevention. But if anything, it's taught me that our moral obligation with respect to AIDS is to try to save lives.

Q. Tiaras are currently in fashion. Any tips on how to wear one? --Emily Hellstrom, New York

A. Frankly, I never wear my crown, so your guess is as good as mine.

Got a question for Miss America? E-mail her: [email protected]

GIVE NEWT A HAND

While President Clinton struggles to salvage his page in the history books, the Republican leadership is banking on other ways to preserve its legacy. Last week House Speaker Newt Gingrich took six hours out of his day to shake hands with 3,609 people to set the record as the national public figure who shook the most hands in the shortest period of time. The category is a new entry in the Guinness Book of World Records, and Newt will undoubtedly set it. Maintaining it, however, is another thing. That's why Notebook wants to help the former history teacher hold on to his newfound handshaking fame by printing a life-size replica of his hand, based on a fax sent to us by the Speaker himself. So please, cut it out and give the Speaker a shake or two for us.

RAP SHEET

WHAT'S IN A NAME? The rapper periodically known as Ol' Dirty Bastard recently missed his third court date for allegedly stealing a pair of shoes. Over the years he's changed his name many times, with varying results.

RUSSELL JONES Lives in the projects in Staten Island, N.Y., in anonymity

ODB With the Wu-Tang Clan releases the multiplatinum Enter the Wu-Tang; his own album goes platinum

OSIRUS Helps rescue a little girl trapped under a car; gets attention by jumping onstage at Grammys

BIG BABY JESUS Shot during robbery in his Brooklyn apartment; there's a warrant out for his arrest

THEN & NOW

GOV. ROY ROMER, FEB. 6 On getting caught in a "six-minute kiss" with a woman he denied having an affair with: "I was trying to tell the truth as I saw it in 1990 and 1994. I'm trying now to say, there is a very good, close relationship with this friend... So, for whatever that's worth, I felt I told the truth then." (Source: Denver Post)

GOV. ROY ROMER, AUG. 24 On Clinton's apology: "You don't get this thing done...under those circumstances unless you say clearly, 'I made a very bad mistake. I need to admit that clearly, and I'm not going to let that happen again, and I want to work on these issues, and here's where we're going.'" (Source: Washington Post)

NUMBERS

115 m.p.h. Top speed of Hurricane Bonnie

210 m.p.h. Top speed of 1969's Hurricane Camille, fastest on record

76 Number of people killed by Hurricane Andrew in 1992

69 Americans who have died since March while taking Viagra

$100 million 1997 sales for creatine, a reputed muscle enhancer used by Mark McGwire

$180 million Projected creatine sales for 1998

55 Percentage of pet-fish owners who claim they never have trouble sleeping

79 Percentage of nonfish owners who have spells of insomnia

$90 billion Estimated cost to repair New York City's infrastructure

1.3 billion Top-priced tickets to the musical Cats that it would take to pay for the repairs

Sources: Guinness Book of World Records, AP, Nutrition Business Journal, American Pet Products Manufacturers Assoc., New York Times