"Eyes Front! And That Means You, Sir!"

By Jamie Malanowski

A Defense Department report last week said General David Hale had "unduly close relationships" with the wives of subordinate officers, including, in at least one case, a sexual one. The Army is investigating. Whatever the upshot in this case, history is full of examples of what happens to generals who mess around.

OFFICER MARK ANTONY

LIAISON DANGEREUSE The hero of Philippi dumped his wife, who happened to be the Emperor's sister, to take up with Cleopatra, the Queen of Egypt.

WHAT HAPPENED The Emperor declared war on Egypt and defeated Antony. The couple committed suicide.

[OFFICER] GENERAL WILLIAM HOWE

[LIAISON DANGEREUSE] The commander in chief of British forces in the American Colonies, his affair with the wife of a subordinate prompted the ditty: "Sir William, he, as snug as a flea/ Lay all this time a-snoring/ Nor dreamed of harm, as he lay warm/ In bed with Mrs. Loring."

[WHAT HAPPENED] Well, the face of his opponent appears prominently on our currency.

[OFFICER] GENERAL JOHN BURGOYNE

[LIAISON DANGEREUSE] While leading a British expedition through the colony of New York, he spent his nights "singing, drinking, gambling and carousing with his mistress."

[WHAT HAPPENED] His army was smashed at Saratoga, the pivotal battle of the Revolution.

[OFFICER] GENERAL EARL VAN DORN

[LIAISON DANGEREUSE] This Confederate major general had been frustrating Union troops in Tennessee while dallying with the wife of a doctor.

[WHAT HAPPENED] The doctor shot him in the back, then fled to Union lines, where he was treated as a hero.

[OFFICER] UNION GENERAL JUDSON KILPATRICK

[LIAISON DANGEREUSE] He was called the most notorious womanizer in the Union Army; his mistress sometimes traveled with him in uniform.

[WHAT HAPPENED] Main proponent of a disastrous cavalry raid on Richmond, he was transferred.

[OFFICER] GENERAL DOUGLAS MACARTHUR

[LIAISON DANGEREUSE] Named Army Chief of Staff in 1930, he brought his mistress with him from Manila. When they broke up, she began talking.

[WHAT HAPPENED] The unmarried MacArthur paid her $15,000 to keep quiet. He didn't want his mom to know.

[OFFICER] GENERAL GEORGE PATTON

[LIAISON DANGEREUSE] While stationed in Hawaii before WW II, he had an affair with Jean Gordon, his niece.

[WHAT HAPPENED] In the opinion of his family, "he made a damned fool of himself."

--By Jamie Malanowski