A Dictionary For These Times

By Pico Iyer

Dear Mr. Martian,

I understand you may be somewhat confused by the topsy-turvy, science- fictive ways you encounter here on our alien planet. I'm hoping this may help you find your way around them.

Affirmation means denial. (Thus, for example, Magic Johnson approaches his life-threatening disease with optimism and good nature. This means he is "in denial." An optimist is only a pessimist who hasn't yet come out. Yes, in short, means no. This is different, however, from the fact that no means yes. That is what men say when women don't say yes to them.)

Challenge means loss. (A "physically challenged" person is one who used to be called "disabled" or "handicapped" -- to wit, one who has been dealt a bad blow by circumstance. To give him this more friendly sounding title is an attempt to affirm possibility on his behalf -- in other words, to be in denial.)

Cool means hot. (This, of course, you've known for a while. Almost anything that people say is "cool" is sure to be "hot." If something's "bad," that means it's "good." If it's "in," though, that means it's on the way out. After all, "give in" and "give out" mean the same thing.)

Diversity means uniformity. (If someone wants a "diverse" student body, say, that means he wants one in which everyone is more or less like him. This is only logical, because "minorities" tend to be in the majority now. Thus "equal opportunity" usually means "unequal," since some are more equal -- or is it unequal? -- than others.)

East means west. (The "Far East" is -- naturally -- to the west of the "Far West," and the East Coast is one of the westernmost parts of the Western world. Don't worry, though: according to a U.S. President, yes means no in the East anyway, while in the more logical West, "a fat chance" means a very thin one.)

Father means son. (Thus, for example, Bill Wyman's son is marrying the mother of Bill Wyman's wife. Bill Wyman will soon be his son's son-in-law, as well as father of his father-in-law. It's easy to tell a girl from a boy, however. Boys are the ones with earrings and long hair; girls are the ones with trousers and short hair. "Mother," of course, is the worst name you can call someone. That is because mothers are, in many contexts, objects of worship.)

Friends means enemies. (If someone says, "Can't we just be friends?," that usually means you've got a potential enemy for life. But don't lose hope: in many parts of the world, your enemy's enemy is your friend. That is a result of the law whereby two rights make a wrong.)

Inner city means outer space. (The people who live in the "inner city" are nearly always outsiders, and "insiders" live as far as possible from the heart of things. Likewise, the "inner child," for most adults, is even more far out.)

Interests mean boredom. (As in the "interests" people list in "personal ads" -- "Schoenberg, late Heidegger and Hustler" -- or in the bodies known as "interest groups." Of course, you will already have found that "personal" in any case means "impersonal"; thus a "personal ad" is, in fact, a highly impersonal solicitation for companionship.)

Left means right. (In places like the former Soviet Union, the "rightists" are the conservatives, who are most attached to communism -- in other words, the people furthest on the left. This is not to be confused with the situation in China, where the Communists are the most ardent capitalists around.)

New means old. (Thus a "new idea" -- in Hollywood, for example -- means an old idea that is not under copyright. Something that happened yesterday, though, is "old news.")

Pleasure means business. (The giving of pleasure is one of the most lucrative businesses around, and not only in the red-light district. Thus people who "play games" for a living sign contracts for $43 million -- much more than people who merely work. Those who can sing may get up to $100 million.)

Ruler means subject. (Anyone who is a member of a royal family is, by law, subject to the nation. Thus the princesses of Britain, say, are employees of the people, used as tourist attractions and given free board and lodging in return for affording the rest of us some entertainment. You may remember how the old kings -- like Henry V -- used to spy on their subjects; now it's the subjects who spy on their rulers. Dieu et mon droit.)

Small means mid-size. (If you are renting a car, you need to remember that "small" is several sizes larger than the smallest size. And in + McDonald's, a "small" order of fries is now a regular-size order, which is different from the situation in most places, where the "regular" size is very small.)

War means peace. (Thus the "cold war" was a way of maintaining a tenuous peace between two belligerent superpowers. The "war against drugs" means saying "Just say no" several times and hoping that people under the influence won't take a no for a yes.)

Oh, and one more thing. Alien means resident. (As in "I live here because I'm a 'resident alien.' " You'll see lots of "aliens" in the U.S. -- they are the people who come from other countries, as opposed to "real Americans," who are people who came from other countries a little while ago.)

I hope that all makes sense. I'm sure you will find our world as clear as anything on your planet.

An Earthman