What If Scarlett Sequel Fever Caught On?

THE SUN ALSO SETS

Jake Barnes, the emasculated expatriate hero of Ernest Hemingway's classic, is the beneficiary of a breakthrough operation in the romantic world of Paris in the '20s. With the help of supplemental hormones, Jacqueline Barnes goes on to become a suffragist and campaigner against alcoholism.

THE NEXT TO THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS

In this politically correct prequel, Hawkeye displays the Eurocentric tendencies to hunt and waste. Local Native Americans lecture him on ageism, gender bias, affirmative action and ecological consciousness until he has a nervous collapse, jettisons his rifle and opens a frontier health-food store.

MOBY-DICK II

The whale is hunted down by the great-great-grandson of Captain Ahab, Lieut. General Ahab. Backed by the United Nations, Ahab blasts Moby Dick out of the water. From a land base, the intransigent mammal denies U.N. inspectors the right to see his spout, suggesting that Moby-Dick III may be on the way.

THE AQUAMARINE LETTER

Nathaniel Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter in a fashionable shade for the '90s. The lovely and willful heroine, Hester Prynne, who was once doomed to wear A for adultery, finds happiness and fulfillment with one of Boston's first sex therapists. Her performance proves to be so outstanding that she is awarded an A+.

THE ROTH

A Kafkaesque novel that owes much to the author of Portnoy's Complaint. A shapely female breast finds itself metamorphosed into a best-selling novelist named Philip Roth. The bewildered Roth is condemned to a modern version of hell: an endless series of appearances on Geraldo, Oprah and Donahue.

J. PIERPONT FINN

In the post-Civil War boom, Mark Twain's child-man reveals his real name. Arrested in a stock swindle, the rising robber baron escapes from jail with the aid of Jim, nonstop talker and former slave, who has shrewdly invested in ^ Thomas Edison's recording machine and become the founding grandfather of rap.