A Catfish That Oinks . . .

By HAYS GOREY WASHINGTON

As always, there were howls of outrage in Congress last week when the Pentagon unveiled the list of military bases it wants to phase out or scale down in order to save $850 million. Angry lawmakers protested that the closings would cause irreparable economic harm to their districts and vowed to thwart them. But since none of the bases is considered essential to national defense, they fall into the category of pork: dubious spending programs that Congressmen support to curry favor with the folks back home.

Not all pork, however, comes wrapped in a khaki uniform. The federal budget is larded with highly questionable nonmilitary projects that receive lavish funding while more urgent national needs like fighting infant mortality and improving education are strapped for cash. None of the individual programs is large enough to worsen the $318 billion deficit significantly. But lumped together, the plethora of porcine projects adds huge sums to federal outlays. Freshman Republican Senator Bob Smith of New Hampshire has been combing the budget for examples of nondefense pork, specifically projects that were never voted or debated but somehow were slipped into appropriations bills. Among the squealers he has unearthed:

The Subway Steal

SPONSOR: Unknown

COST: $6 MILLION

Why the sparkling underground railway that ferries Senators back and forth between their offices and the Capitol should be converted into a nonstop people mover remains a mystery. Built in 1912, the subway was completely refurbished in 1958; the current plan is to create a "loop" of cars that run * slowly but continuously so people can step on and off. But the old system is in no evident need of repair. Perhaps that is why no Senator will admit sponsoring this expenditure, which was added to the appropriation bill of the Senate Appropriations Committee's legislative-branch subcommittee at a session during which no recorded vote of the members was taken.

Feeding the Fish

SPONSOR: Senator Dale Bumpers, Democrat of Arkansas

COST: $2.7 MILLION

Bumpers' staff explains that the Senator has a deep interest in aquaculture. The money is to be used for construction and renovations at the catfish farm in Stuttgart, Ark. Why should the Federal Government dole out funds to an industry that is already flourishing because of the surge in interest in simple down-home cooking? Because Bumpers, who has been in the Senate since 1974, is likely to run for another term in 1994.

The Bicycle Bonanza

SPONSOR: Congressman Martin Sabo, Democrat of Minnesota

COST: $1 MILLION

Sabo wants to know why more people don't ride bicycles to work. The appropriation he sponsored will fund a Department of Transportation study of the nonridership problem. That investigation might discover that traffic lanes specifically designated for bicycles, more courtesy from motorists, an increased number of theftproof places to park bicycles, and promotional campaigns pointing out the environmental and health benefits could encourage the use of two-wheelers. Sabo doesn't ride a bicycle. But his two daughters, who do, probably could tell him as much as a high-priced DOT study.

The Tree Caper

SPONSOR: Congressman Neal Smith, Democrat of Iowa

COST: $15 MILLION

Planting trees is a good idea, since they not only are beautiful but also can help ward off global warming by draining carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. But why should the Federal Government spend $15 million (plus $30 million annually over the next three years) to plant 50,000 trees on land owned by local governments, an expense that seems more appropriate for state and local governments? That question baffles Neal Smith. "Are you for tree planting or not?" he asks, with some exasperation. "This project is in everyone's interest. Grants go to all the states, not just Iowa. It's a conservation and beautification program that is very much worthwhile. I always thought 'pork' was what went to somebody else's district."

Solomonic Spending

SPONSOR: Congressman Stephen Solarz, Democrat of New York

COST: $5 MILLION

The money is for a new building to replace the 50-year-old Quonset hut in which the Parliament of the Solomon Islands has been meeting. Solarz says the building will give "tangible support for democracy in that part of the world." A noble purpose, but why was the appropriation tucked into a spending bill titled "Procurement for the United States Navy"? Solarz's explanation: he considers the new building to be a monument to the American G.I.s who perished in the World War II battle of Guadalcanal.

Burnishing Biscayne

SPONSOR: Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Republican of Florida

COST: $1.36 MILLION

The money will pay for "preliminary engineering" on a project to turn Miami's Biscayne Boulevard into "an exotic garden for people to enjoy the richness of city life," with 90-ft.-wide medians sculpted with tropical plants, broad sidewalks and miles of brick walkways. Why Miami doesn't raise the funds locally was not explained.

Polishing the Apple

SPONSOR: Congressman Bob Traxler, Democrat of Michigan

COST: $94,000

As a veteran member of the Appropriations and Agriculture committees, Traxler has a reputation for bringing home the bacon. A case in point: this appropriation, which will fund research on methods of cutting losses in the handling and shipping of apples, thus benefiting consumers to whom such losses are passed along. Though no apples are grown in Traxler's district, Michigan's apple crop ranks third among the states and earns about $75 million annually. Says Traxler: "I'm proud of the program."

Mom-in-Law's House

SPONSOR: Congressman Ralph Regula, Republican of Ohio

COST: $320,000

Though Ohio has many memorials to William McKinley, Regula says the purchase of the 25th President's wife's parents' home is justified because the house McKinley was born in has been destroyed. After all, he did reside there for a few years, and maintaining it will not cost the government a penny because the house will be turned over to private groups that will finish restoring it. Regula says it is merely a coincidence that he graduated from a law school named after -- you guessed it -- William McKinley.

The Gym Grab

SPONSOR: Unknown

COST: $25,000

; The money will pay for a study to determine where a new workout facility for congressional staff members should be located. They are not eligible to use the lawmakers' lavishly equipped private gym. Like the Senate subway bill, this expenditure was approved in a session of the legislative subcommittee of the House Appropriations Committee, with no recorded vote. Weeks of efforts to discover the identity of the sponsor have been fruitless. It may be a Congressman whose staff members are out of shape. How much the gym itself will cost has yet to be determined.