The Lasting Wounds of Divorce

By Anastasia Toufexis

Divorce, everyone agrees, is a traumatic event for children. But many parents are consoled by the notion that most youngsters can recover from the painful split-up of their families. Within two or three years, they will resume their normal development and ultimately they will benefit. After all, if the divorce is good for Mother or Father, it will be good for the children.

Now that comfortable assumption is being challenged. Based on an unprecedented long-term study of the effects of divorce, psychologist Judith Wallerstein has found that a disturbingly large number of youngsters are suffering the consequences many years after the family breakup. Says Wallerstein, director of the Center for the Family in Transition in Corte Madera, Calif.: "Almost half of children of divorces enter adulthood as worried, underachieving, self-deprecating and sometimes angry young men and women."

Wallerstein's conclusions, presented in a new book, Second Chances ; (Ticknor & Fields; $19.95), are drawn from interviews conducted over a 15- year period with 60 families, most of them white middle class. Included were 131 children, who were 2 to 18 years old at the time of the divorce. Among the findings:

-- Three out of five youngsters felt rejected by at least one parent.

-- Half grew up in settings in which the parents were warring with each other even after the divorce.

-- Two-thirds of the girls, many of whom had seemingly sailed through the crisis, suddenly became deeply anxious as young adults, unable to make lasting commitments and fearful of betrayal in intimate relationships.

-- Many boys, who were more overtly troubled in the post-divorce years, failed to develop a sense of independence, confidence or purpose. They drifted in and out of college and from job to job.

Wallerstein's report has had mixed reviews from other researchers. Many do not believe that enduring damage from divorce is as pervasive as she indicates. Says psychologist Jo Anne Pedro-Carroll of the University of Rochester in New York: "It would be a disservice to families who have adjusted to the changes in their lives to suggest that there will inevitably be long-term trauma for all children." Experts point out that the study involved a small number of families and that there was no group of intact families to provide a statistical comparison. They note also that children tend to be depressed in adolescence whether they are from broken or intact families. Says psychologist Rex Forehand of the University of Georgia in Athens: "The answer on long-term effects is not in yet."

Whatever the scientific merits of the study, Wallerstein and co-author Sandra Blakeslee provide vivid portraits of just how devastating divorce can be for children. Deborah, for example, saw her parents split up when she was five, shortly after her father beat up her mother. Fifteen years later, she is a top student in college, but she has a habit of falling in love with "jerks." Deborah says her latest boyfriend really loves her: "I know he cares about me because he hits me."

Kevin became a "problem child" soon after his parents called it quits; he was twelve. After the divorce, his dad regularly broke promises to see him. But Kevin remained loyal, even inventing conversations with him. Inevitably, he felt abandoned. Ten years after the breakup, Kevin had been in jail three times -- for beating up a girlfriend, drunken driving and dealing drugs.

Such bitter legacies have family experts searching for ways to ease the burden of divorce on youngsters. Specialists agree that children should have a regular visitation schedule so that they can maintain a relationship with the parent who does not have custody. Children also feel more secure and less isolated if they spend time with grandparents.

How well children adapt depends largely on the parents' attitudes toward each other. For some families, divorce ends hostilities; for others, the war escalates. Parents continue to fight on the phone or at the doorstep when the children are picked up or dropped off. Sometimes the feuding mom and dad enlist their offspring in the battles, using them as messengers and spies. Observes a nine-year-old girl: "I'm in the middle, and my parents keep slapping me back and forth like I'm a tennis ball. Whack! Whack! If they're going to keep this fighting up, why should I be their child?" Says a seven- year-old boy: "It's like a roller coaster that's broken that keeps going."

Letting go of the anger for the children's sake is one of the most difficult things parents must do. Wallerstein found that ten years after separating, many ex-spouses were as furious with each other as when they were married. But parents who do not declare a truce send a message that divorce is not a rational remedy after all. Says Wallerstein: "Children can only feel then, 'What was the divorce for?'

With reporting by Georgia Harbison/New York