Season Of Autumn-Summer Love

By Anastasia Toufexis

Say the words "older woman, younger man," and the images are at once vivid and seamy. Sagging socialites clinging to ambitious gigolos. Predatory Mrs. Robinsons seducing confused innocents. At best such autumn-summer pairings have been viewed as risque; at worst, as grotesque curiosities. Well, look again. The odd couple isn't so odd anymore. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, of the 2 million weddings performed each year in the U.S., 22% are between older women and younger men, up from 16% in 1970. "It signals a profound change in how men and women are looking at each other, and what is considered a satisfying relationship," says Writer Victoria Houston, 42, whose husband Brant is nine years her junior. Indeed, declares Psychologist Sally Peterson of New York City, far from being financially or sexually exploitative, these couplings represent the "first egalitarian heterosexual relationship."

Celebrities have been the most visible exemplars of the trend. Just a few: Mimi Rogers, 32, and Tom Cruise, 25; Debra Winger, 32, and Timothy Hutton, 27; Olivia Newton-John, 39, and Matt Lattanzi, 28. But ordinary folks are doing it in droves, as Houston observes in the recently published Loving a Younger Man (Contemporary Books; $17.95). Among the couples she interviewed, Houston found that the woman is usually over 30, divorced (from an older man) and often has children. Her younger partner typically grew up with a working mother and has sisters who also have careers. "He's familiar with a woman as his peer, both intellectually and emotionally," she notes.

Spurring the trend, which is largely confined to white professionals, is the fabled man crunch: single women over 35 far outnumber single men their age. According to Government statistics, nearly 40% of brides ages 35 to 44 resolve this demographic dilemma by marrying younger men. While the age difference is usually just a few years, the gap appears to be widening. In 1970 only 3.7% of brides were five years or more older than their mates; now that figure has reached 6.2%.

Perhaps more important, many women today earn substantial incomes and no longer feel compelled to marry a "good provider." In the era of Joan Collins and Linda Evans, perceptions have changed. "The age at which we look at women as still being attractive and sexy has risen," says Carole Lieberman, a Los Angeles psychiatrist.

Women who have chosen younger mates point to several advantages. "Younger men take for granted the philosophy that I subscribe to. They expect a woman to pick up a check as quickly as they would," says Shelly Mandell, 45, a lawyer in Los Angeles. "It doesn't insult their manhood if we make more money than they do." Nor do young partners feel threatened by a woman's aggressiveness in the bedroom. As a result, women contend, sex is better, more inventive. Though such pairings have long been regarded as "unnatural," supporters argue that they are biologically astute. Since men reach their sexual peak around the age of 20, and women attain theirs in the 30s, sex drives are better matched. Says Jessica Myers, 43, a fund raiser in Trenton who is married to Editor Richard Carlin, 31: "These relationships make sense because women live longer."

Younger men cite the easing of both economic and sexual pressure on them as a double attraction of the older woman. They claim that mature partners offer an emotional stability that women their own age often lack. Notes Carlin: "Jessica stuck with me at a time when I was really floundering around. A younger woman might not have had the patience."

There are some problems. Couples first have to deal with their own doubts. "Over half the men and the women will tell you they don't think the relationship is going to last because of the age difference," says Houston. Often they must also cope with the hostility of family, friends and colleagues. Nancy LoDolce, 42, a Los Angeles real estate manager, regularly gets ribbed by a co-worker about her marriage to Clayton Takaya, 29. "I tell him, 'If your marriage is a fraction as good as my marriage, what do I care?' That shuts him up very quickly."

For many of these couples, the question of having children becomes the greatest source of friction. The age gap often forces an accelerated decision. "I didn't think I was ready to be a father a year ago, but Peggy was 39," says Shawn Baca, 26, a Miami Beach intern whose wife, also an intern, gave birth three months ago. Then, too, younger men who initially insist they do not want children of their own occasionally change their minds. That can prompt a crisis if their wives are beyond childbearing age.

Partners must adjust to being at different passages of life. While his wife | is already thinking about retirement, Takaya, an insurance-company executive, has no such plans: "I'm more carefree with my money; retirement is way out there." Older women often harbor a gnawing fear: Will they eventually be abandoned for the proverbial younger woman? Many admit they work harder at the health club to remain attractive to their younger mates. LoDolce concedes that she would not rule out a face-lift. But all emphasize that it is continuing compatibility, not additional wrinkles, that matter in the long run. Declares Kate Jacobs Mitrione, 39, of Cincinnati, whose husband of two years is now 29: "He'll leave me because I'm a bitchy woman long before he'll leave me because I'm older."

With reporting by Scott Brown/Los Angeles and D. Blake Hallanan/New York