THE WAR OF THE WORDS

Suppose that a fleet of Martian spaceships has landed on earth and disgorged hordes of small green creatures. This is how the event might be reported in some of the Murdoch periodicals:

NEW YORK MAGAZINE. So you thought it would be easy to snare a Martian for that special dinner party. Think again. From Bergdorfs to the Guggenheim, from Bloomie's to Elaine's, hostesses are tearing out their Sassoons over the scarcity of what Diane von Furstenberg has called "those adorable little greenbacks." In this special issue we'll reveal the 15 best ways to catch your own Martian. Also a chart outlining the Red Planet's power structure and a Who's Who among the rich (you won't believe what they use for money!). John Simon rates the ten Martians whose intellectual gifts he despises the most; Gael Greene on extraterrestrial cuisine and oenophilia; Gail Sheehy asks "Is there free-floating anxiety out there, and can we import some of it here?" (the first chapter from her book on the Martian voyage to earth, Mid-Passage Crises).

THE SUN. Today's Nude-Woman-in-the-Street Question goes to 21-year-old Diana Doors, a perky exotic dancer from Wolverhampton. Dimpling prettily and doffing her knickers in the morning chill, the game, curvy chorine responded thoughtfully to our query: Do you like Martians? "Coo," she purred, "I feel a real kinship with the little blighters. I mean, luv, they don't wear any clothes either, do they?"

THE NEW YORK POST. Democrats of all stripes must put aside petty squabbles over New York's budget deficit and unite to meet the present crisis with compassion and dispatch. The Martians are here, and the only solution is a massive program of federal support. The new citizens will need housing (not a major obstacle, certainly, given their diminutive stature). Daycare centers and Head Start programs should rank high on any list of priorities. We cannot ignore the major cultural differences that exist between the Martians and ourselves, but education of newcomers to the Great Melting Pot has long been one of the finest traditions of Our Town.

NEWS OF THE WORLD. A maniacal small green killer is reportedly stalking the Midlands. Thorough examination of the nude body of a 19-year-old milkmaid turned up no visible scars, burns, cuts, lacerations, bruises, fractures, gore, abrasions, contusions or internal bleeding. Her voluptuous form had not been whipped, stabbed, throttled or pounded on with a blunt instrument. Nevertheless, the milkmaid, choking back hysterical sobs and wails, insisted that she had been mercilessly tailed by a snuffling, slathering creature that "looked like a bleeding privet shrub." Grim-faced neighbors are arming themselves with knives, hatchets, bicycle chains, tire irons, milk pails, chain saws, hammers, tongs...

THE STAR. Prolonged exposure to Martians can be good for you! That's the happy and exclusive news gathered by The Star from a team of leading doctors, astrologers and racing handicappers. Thanks to magical stellar influences available on Mars, the presence of a Martian in a single-family dwelling can bring genuine happiness. Dad will stop carousing, Mom will lose those scaly patches on her elbows, and the D. A. will drop all charges against Junior.

THE AUSTRALIAN. Despite rumors of Martians in some sensational newspapers, government spokesmen are discounting reports that a small green figure was sighted near an outback billabong. Said one: "The jackaroo who started that story probably saw a wallaby."

THE VILLAGE VOICE. Don't be taken in by the fact that the Martians are short and evidently bisexual. Look at them closely and what do you see? Puppets, fat cats' paws. Who is really behind the Great Alien Visitation Rip-Off and Shuck? Well, it doesn't take genius or even very much sense to come up with the Arabs and OPEC, in league with Richard Nixon, ex-Governor Rockefeller, the entire gang of New York City banks, the CIA, NASA, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the Mafia and the late Howard Hughes. A meeting has been called in Sheridan Square next Monday to protest this new outrage.

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so viewer discretion is required.