Is There Intelligent Life on Commercials?

By Stefan Kanfer

TO: ZB * 33 + X

FROM: 45 = K29- 1/4

RE: EXPLORATION OF MINOR PLANET

WE had intended to observe this little ball "RTH" for a longer period. But we developed engine trouble over Omega, and by the time we entered orbit, we were only getting six light-years to the gallon. In our brief visit, however, we discovered what generates those high-frequency signals that have been jamming our radio telescopes. It is a small box called TEEVEE, present in nearly every dwelling in the YEWESS, a small land area between two oceans.

TEEVEE is the display window of the national store. Its merchandise, like all valuable goods, is displayed against a plush but vapid background. This background is called PROGRAMMING and is of no importance. The key elements of the broadcast day (and night) are called SPOTZ. These SPOTZ are 30 seconds to 60 seconds long and cost their manufacturers about $500 per second. Programs, by contrast, cost $50 per second.

From observing SPOTZ we are able to report the following conclusions:

-- The YEWESS is a vastly troubled land, emerging from a complex, ambiguous struggle against an implacable foe. The name of this enemy is WETNESS. New scientific weapons, however, go on like a powder and give unprecedented protection. Thus, for the first time in this soul-searing conflict, there is the fragile promise of peace.

-To amuse themselves YEWESSERS also sing and dance. To this end, the SPOTZ, which are also called commercials, sell them an entertainment called NOSTALJYA. According to the announcements, the top numbers for 1973 include The Hut-Sut Song, Moonlight Serenade and The Woodpecker Song. The year's most highly regarded artists are the Andrews Sisters and Snooky Lanson, singers; Sammy Kaye and Glenn Miller, bandleaders; and Woody Woodpecker, a bird.

-- These ingenious people are bothered by many plagues. When the distress appears, the person moves in ten quick, jerky motions and booms: "No headache is going to make me yell at my son [or daughter]." Thereupon the victim takes a miraculous white tablet, which dissolves in the stomach faster than another tablet. Just 3.1 seconds later, this incredible pill enables the victim to change his outlook and handle the most difficult household chores with ease. Other tablets simultaneously drain all eight sinus cavities, rearrange the background music and style the hair in 3.2 seconds.

-- If pain persists or recurs, YEWESSERS always see a physician.

> YEWESSERS are of various hues, but mix freely with no trouble whatsoever. In every SPOT involving the young, there is a ratio of 1.5 black children to 4.9 white ones. Their smiles are constant and blinding. At adult cocktail parties, the commercial ratio is 2.2 black couples to 6.8 white. They smile with equal candlepower.

-- Some YEWESSERS dwell in apartments, where they live on either side of a flimsy medicine cabinet. All others live in white split-level houses. The males are cranky in the morning and astonished when the coffee is not bitter or the breakfast is palatable. Then they beam and demand to know the name of the product, which they repeat nine times. The wives then proceed to their day, which consists of eight hours of unmitigated jealousy and fear. The jealousy is exhibited at wash time. During this period they stare enviously at their neighbor's laundry, which is always whiter--and the colored things brighter--than their own. With wide eyes, they then proceed to learn a series of mysterious monosyllables, among them Biz, Fab, Cheer, Dash, All and Bold. They do not exhibit fear until nightfall, or on weekend afternoons. At these points the MOTHER-IN-LAW arrives for a white-glove inspection of the home. This includes a revealing scrutiny of the kitchen (with its telltale odors), the male's collar (with its inevitable ring) and the salad (too vinegary). On the next visit, 3.8 seconds later, all is perfection, thanks to the intervention of a remarkable product that scents the air, sanitizes the collar, emulsifies the dressing, rearranges the background music and restyles everyone's hair.

-- Children are encouraged to visit their father's place of business. There they interrupt proceedings with a ritual cry: "Only one cavity!" Children may also be seen in the early morning, when they ingest the seven essential vitamins every child needs for perfect health. Toward evening they grow pale and cough until a powerful potion brings speedy relief.

> YEWESSERS each chew 180 Ibs. of gum a year. This was deduced from the size of the gum package (roughly 3 ft. in length).

-> All YEWESS pets are fussy but highly literate eaters who meticulously examine the labels of their canned food before dining.

-- YEWESSERS sing while eating and drinking. The song is usually an apostrophe to hamburger or a dithyramb dedicated to cola, uncola or the beverage the citizens are forbidden to quaff on-camera: beer.

-After the singing and eating, the YEWESSERS are remorseful and repair to salons, where they shed unsightly pounds and inches with the aid of wonder-working machines.

-- An elaborate etiquette prevails at supermarkets. Consumers are encouraged to squeeze the white bread and forbidden to squeeze toilet tissue. They are also urged to look for chickens by name, beef by price and coffee by reputation.

-- All waitresses, dishwashers and plumbers supplement their incomes by peddling products to customers. These products range from paper towels to soaps, and are invariably superior to the leading brand.

-- The YEWESS is really two nations. Citizens of one prefer the Pink Pad; citizens of the other buy the Blue one.

-The automobile is the greatest friend nature ever had. Cars are affectionately named for animals (cougar, mustang, falcon, impala); gasolines keep engines clean; and there are seldom more than three vehicles on the road at any time.

At this point in the time-space continuum, we found it necessary to re-enter the intergalactic void for our millennial tune-up. As for your query: Is there intelligent life on RTH? Having peered at length at the little windows, our answer must be negative. How about a visit to Jupiter? The only SPOTZ there are the ones caused by meteors.

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so reader's discretion is required.