A NEW AMERICAN CREDO

By Stefan Kanfer, John T. Elson

In 1920, Satirists H.L. Mencken and George Jean Nathan published a book called The American Credo. It contained a chrestomathy of shibboleths, prejudices, common beliefs and unexamined truisms held sacred by millions--"That it snowed every Christmas down to fifteen years ago," for example, or "that oysters are a great aphrodisiac." The Credo badly needs updating. In 50 years, America has become a more divided land, and its favorite truisms are less firmly fixed. But a lot of cliche consensus can still be found. In the public interest, TIME herewith proposes a few articles of faith for a revised edition.

WE, THE PEOPLE, BELIEVE:

That it is easier to send a man to the moon than to clean up a slum.

That the Mafia is run by kindly old men with big houses in the suburbs.

That if the Reds ever invaded the U.S., the first group they would liquidate would be the New Left.

That Los Angeles is now what the whole world will be like some day.

That Richard Burton would have been a great Shakespearean actor had he not married Elizabeth Taylor.

That after you see enough of it, pornography is very dull--and besides, it never corrupts anybody who isn't already depraved.

That there is a little DDT in everything we eat.

That a secretary who wears the same dress to the office two days in a row has probably slept over with her boy friend.

That the old Metropolitan Opera House was better than the new Metropolitan Opera House.

That the children of psychoanalysts are the most neurotic kids of all.

That the theater doesn't communicate to young people, but movies do.

That gambling is a disease, like malaria.

That television commercials are better than the shows they sponsor.

That today's young people have a stronger sense of morality than their elders (or no respect and responsibility for anything).

That children trained in the new math won't know how to add or subtract by the time they get to college.

That if you put a swimming pool in your backyard, it will raise the value of your house by $10,000.

That American cities are uninhabitable except by the very rich and the very poor.

That modern translations of the Bible just can't compare with the King James Version.

That if Bach were alive today, he would be composing rock.

That you are safer flying a jet than driving your own automobile.

That Canada is just a pale gray version of the U.S., with snow.

That computers will create new jobs, just as factory machines did during the Industrial Revolution.

That the musical, the western and jazz are the only authentic American art forms.

That the U.N. may not be effective, but at least when men are talking they're not fighting.

That the crushing burdens of the presidency make it the loneliest job in the world.

That hippie dress is just as conformist as the gray flannel suit.

That marijuana is the martini of the turned-on generation (or the first step on the road to drug addiction).

That a group-encounter game is really a euphemism for an orgy.

That doctors can transplant hearts, but they still can't find a cure for the common cold.

That homosexuality is a disease, like malaria.

That the late-night television talk shows have revived the lost art of conversation.

That if Congress ever outlawed the gun, only outlaws would have guns.

That the Russians want peace as much as we do, but their leadership forbids it.

That to the Eastern Liberal Establishment press, Middle America is a foreign country.

That inside every fat man, a thin one is screaming to be let out.

That nobody reads anything in The New Yorker except the cartoon captions.

That pro football is the thinking man's sport.

That it is impossible to get a bad meal in France or a good one in Spain.

That all wine snobs are phonies who can't tell Clos de Vougeot from red ink.

That they could make a light bulb that would last a dozen years, but it would put General Electric and Westinghouse out of business.

That Dr. Spock is responsible for Woodstock Nation.

That girls in the Women's Liberation movement are lesbians who have burned their bras.

That you never hear a good joke any more.

That things were better for the country when blacks were called Negroes and wanted civil rights.

That it takes the taxi longer to get from the airport to your home than it does for the jet to fly from city to city.

That superhighways have taken all the joy out of driving.

That bartenders never drink, astronauts can't fly, stockbrokers don't invest, bankers never save and insurance salesmen never have any policies of their own.

That girls with deep brown suntans will have skin like rhinoceros hide in 20 years.

That Hugh Hefner doesn't really like sex.

> Compiled by Stefan Kanfer and John T. Elson

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