All-Over Nothing

Dear Customer:

As a public service, we here at Uptight feel compelled to warn our clients about the subversive, scandalous and salacious advertising campaign currently being conducted by some of our competitors. I am referring specifically to ads in the local press that show two attractive young ladies coquettishly cavorting in what is variously described as a "linear jumpsuit" and a "turtle sock," but might more accurately be called an "allover nothing."

The garment in question is a stretch-nylon body stocking that covers everything but the head and hands of the wearer and sells for $9 to $14. "Covers" is an exaggeration, as the ads make clear: "No interruptions to mar the lovely line of you," and "Reveals what it covers." The obvious suggestion is that the wearer need not, indeed should not burden her body with such conventional and "confining" undergarments as brassieres, girdles, panties and hosiery.

In a dangerous age, when hippies, "heads" and free-love advocates seem to be running our campuses and even our country, such a suggestion is inflammatory and unpatriotic. Burning draft cards and U.S. flags is bad enough; now these subversives want to burn bras and briefs too. Is there no limit past which the enemies of law and order will not go? As a proud American and president of a company that for four generations has dedicated itself to supporting the U.S.'s posture in the world, I say enough is enough. America needs to regroup and to rebuild on a firm foundation.

Yours for shaping up, I. M. Garment, President Uptight Underwear, Inc.

No such company, of course, is conducting any such campaign. If it were, the campaign would obviously fail. In the two weeks since Manhattan's B. Altman & Co. first advertised its version of the peekaboo "linear jumpsuit," the store has been selling them so fast that it already has ordered 1,200 more. Other retailers report similarly spectacular sales. Customer comments range from the predictable ("It's divine" "It's the uniform for the '70s") to the profane (the garments fit so tightly that getting into one is a chore). Women who feel that the sheer suit is too revealing can always camouflage strategic spots with tunics or miniskirts. Or they can wear opaque woolen body stockings that show no more than a tight-fitting glove and can be worn even outdoors with impunity--or with body jewelry.

This file is automatically generated by a robot program, so reader's discretion is required.