Elusive Harmony. In San Jose, Calif., Clement Lopez, after slugging his partner in a midnight duet and fracturing his skull, explained: "He was singing out of tune."

Enchanted Haze. In Bristol, England, Sunday School Teacher Heather Sheppard, 23, frantically sent a friend back for something more suitable after she arrived at church for her marriage dressed in a beautiful bridal gown, veil and--carpet slippers.

How Now? In Pentwater, Mich., Dairyman Claire W. Nelson explained that he let the radio blare women's screams gunshots and rock 'n' roll at his cows all day so that when "a stranger comes into the barn they aren't upset, because they've heard everything."

Over & Out. In Milwaukee, after police watched George Stein, 79, drive down the wrong side of the street, make an illegal left turn and pass eight stop signs on a five-block trip, he was fined $50 and lost his license despite his plea that he had trouble walking, hearing and seeing and only drove once a month--to visit his doctor.

Flowing Pros. In Las Vegas, Nev., Baseball Fan James Argenbright was fined $2 after he laid on the abuse of Umpire (and Policeman) Bob Everett so heavily that Everett finally arrested him for disorderly conduct.

Eye Trouble. In Houston, Donald Earl Basham, 29, was sentenced to 25 years in prison for robbery, burglary and theft after he broke into a young woman's apartment at 2 a.m., stole some of her Scotch to wash down four tranquilizer pills, forced her for a couple of hours to help him while he looted the place, then passed out.

Executive's Sweet. In Milwaukee, Russell and Alice Johnson were divorced after he complained that she took so little interest in his career that when he was promoted to secretary of his bank, she remarked, "So what?"

Innocent Middleman. In Copenhagen, Ole Jensen, arrested for counterfeiting Danish employee holiday stamps--so expertly that he was able to turn them in at post office windows, a book at a time, and collect $64 in refunds--conceded that he knew it was illegal but did not think it really wrong since the post office could reissue the books and recover its money.

Local Anesthetic. In Budapest, the newspaper People's Freedom carried a want ad: "Girl, 23, with glasses, high-school graduate, living in country, would like to meet and marry serious man who does not like to make acquaintances through ads."

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