Happy Ending. In Vancouver, B.C., arrested for attempted murder of his nephew, Gordon Everts told the cops: "I held him while my wife hit him with an ax. This is the first time she acted like a woman--not a mouse--when I asked her to do something."

A Good Name. In Eureka, Calif., arrested for forging six checks totaling $230 in the name of District Attorney Harold L. Hammond, currently running for Superior Court judge, Clifford Melton Kusta explained: "I saw the name on a poster and figured it was a name that no one could question."

Combat Loaded. In Houston, a bus station clerk caught nine-year-old Danny McElwee and his brother Victor,11, trying to run away from home, opened their bags, found: two baseballs, two gloves, a homemade butterfly net, Victor's butterfly collection, a jar of live caterpillars, no clothing.

Fire Escape. In Tokyo, arrested for setting fire to an express train, Takemi Konya explained that he had just flunked his university entrance exams, was merely trying to cheer himself up.

Border Incident. In Santa Susana, Calif., Cafe Proprietor Irene Sundberg, suing her landlady for $7,000 damages, testified that she had cut off the restaurant's water supply, let air out of customers' tires, fired at them with a shotgun, erected a fence preventing access to a butane tank that serves the cafe's cooking stove.

Appellate Action. In Trento, Italy, informed that her laborer husband had been fired from his job, Mrs. Speranza Antonelli knocked him out with a club, had an afterthought, dropped in on his foreman, knocked him unconscious too.

Aim. In Venice, Calif., charged with the fatal shooting of his wife, Joseph Hibdon pleaded with police: "But I meant to shoot my sister, not my wife."

Out on a Limb. In Chicago, after making personal appearances among 1,150 exhibits stretched over five miles of the Navy Pier, Ruth Elaine Conte abdicated as queen of the National Restaurant Association's convention, handed her crown over to N.R.A. President Marion Isbell, bawled, "That's enough; my feet hurt."

The Beautiful & Damned. In Riverside, Calif., the public library displayed some rare bookmarks left by readers: a carpenter's file, a 6-in. rubber dagger, a cut-out of Marilyn Monroe, a lottery ticket on a 1936 Ford, a deflated balloon, a ticket to the fireman's ball, a note reading, "Roises are red/ Vilets are blue/ And I HATE YOU, Jean."

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