Pro. In Paterson, N.J., Matti Raivio was found guilty of stealing $193 from a liquor store despite his explanation to the court: "As a man trained as a saboteur and a spy, I would not commit such a childish type of crime."

The Hard Way. In Dayton, Charles Balke was arrested after he cracked into three garages, rammed into the side of a house, careened across three lawns, ran down a rosebush, bounced off a tree, crunched into a parked convertible--all in an attempt to put his car in his garage.

Keys to the Kingdom. In Enfield, England, Mrs. Horace Westgarth was granted a divorce after she testified that when she told her husband that she was about to leave him, he gravely shook her hand, said that he hoped she would be happy wherever she was going, asked her to leave him the keys to the house.

The Cure. In Windsor, Ont., charges of drunken driving against Verne Smith, 40, were dismissed after he told the court that he could not have been drunk at the wheel because he had downed only five of his daily quota of 15 beers, explained that he drinks so much that alcohol no longer has any effect on him.

Officialdumb. In Wellington, New Zealand, an irate housewife complained that she phoned the Department of Agriculture for help when her home was invaded by a buzzing swarm of wasps, was told that she would receive a circular on wasp control in the next mail.

Penmanship. In Youngstown, Ohio, awaiting trial on two counts of forgery, Lorene Montgomery gave city detectives a demonstration of her craft, wrote two clearly legible signatures at once while holding one fountain pen in her mouth, another in the crook of her arm.

Life with Father. In Milwaukee, Mrs. Ourania Karabelas, suing for divorce, complained that her husband, who was sentenced to 15 years in prison for kidnaping, with five years added to his term for jail breaking, and was being held for shooting a cop, "had failed to assume the responsibilities of married life."

Legal Detail. In Seattle, Carl Floyd Black was sentenced to 18 months on a burglary charge, despite his plea that he could not be held accountable for stealing a power saw from the Seattle Plywood Co. because he broke into their warehouse to steal a load of copper pipes.

For the Birds. In Lindenhurst, N.Y., the case against Frank Richards, charged with allowing a rooster to run loose and perch on the hat of a twelve-year-old girl, was dropped after Richards showed up for trial, informed the court that he had eaten the evidence.

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