The Guilty Flee. In Jonesboro, Ark., Mrs. R. J. Barnhoft was arrested for drunkenness when she drove into a service station dragging a driverless pickup truck by the rear bumper of her car, and whispered darkly to the attendant: "I wish you'd check that guy behind me; I think he's drunk."

On Probation. In North Bergen, N.J., Superintendent of Schools Walter A. Miller Jr. reported to the board of education that George Scheuermann, 80-year-old chief truant officer, appointed to the post in 1910, has not been showing up for work, concluded soberly: "Our investigation shows that he is not the best map for the job."

Comforts of Home. In Hoehenrain, Germany, after police barred Broom Maker Hans Christian Sachsenhammer from local bars because of excessive drinking, Sachsenhammer's wife petitioned to have the ban lifted, explained: "Now he has his beer delivered to the house, throws the empty bottles at the children and works even less than before."

Supercharger. In Lancaster, Ohio, Robert Lewis, 27, lost the keys to his car, fetched a length of wire from the garage to get his engine started, learned while recovering from burns in the Lancaster Hospital that he had picked out a fuse wire with a dynamite cap on it.

Frozen Assets. In Piedimonte Dalife, Italy, after surgeons opened her stomach and removed a bunch of keys, Addolorata Carbonelli, 42, explained that she had swallowed them to prevent her husband from opening the corner cupboard and squandering the family savings hidden there.

The Hard Sell. In Dungannon, North Ireland, Auctioneer George Smith started to close a bid, shouted, "Going once . . . going twice," dropped from sight when the floor collapsed.

Character Witness. In Miami, five days after he fled from his job in a Hamilton, Ont. shoe store with the contents of the cash register, Robert Happy, 17, strolled into a specialty shop to buy a gun, blandly flashed his shoe-store identification card, was arrested as soon as the identification was checked with his former boss.

Capital Gains. In London, William E. Hughes was acquitted of charges of failing to pay taxes after he explained that he had saved $16,800 out of his $56-a-week salary by shaving with his brother's razor blades, wearing his father's clothes, charging his grandmother 12% interest on money she borrowed, eating everything on the table even if he did not want it, never going out with women, never taking a holiday trip that cost more than 56-c-.

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