Obit. In Dallas, the Dead Letter Department opened a misaddressed envelope, found inside a poignantly-worded message: "We're all well here--excepting Pa, and he caught the flu and died; but that's all right, because all he ever done was slop the hogs, anyhow."

Popularity. In Milwaukee, Gambler Dave Collier, questioned by police about being slugged, said: "I just can't figure it out; I feel that I am very well liked."

Lost Generation. In Columbus, Ohio, the Rev. Dr. W. Frederick Miller complained to the Ohio Pastors' Convention about the lack of spiritual and musical preparation of most church choirs, commented: "I feel that off-key singing is dishonest."

Battle Tested. In Salt Lake City, Grocer Sam Shortino hired a relief clerk so that he could attend a meeting of the Butchers' and Grocers' Association, where he listened attentively as police warned of the danger of keeping loaded guns in stores, returned to find that his substitute had routed two robbers by firing at them with the pistol Shortino always kept in his store.

Unspoken Word. In Cleveland, Deaf-Mute Mrs. Edna Hopton won a divorce from her deaf-mute husband after she convinced Common Pleas Judge B. D. Nicola that "nagging in the sign language can be just as effective as spoken words."

Breath of Scandal. In Sumas, Wash., after Border Patrolmen Ralph Johnson and Verdun Hockett found 10 Ibs. of garlic cloves in a pack being carried by Raymond Driscoll, 18, of British Columbia, Driscoll explained: "I want to go to California to find some friends; no one in Canada likes me because I like garlic."

Saturation Point. In Fresno, Calif., ex-Convict Manuel Eurich, 35, was sentenced to from 1 to 14 years in prison despite his plea that he had written worthless checks only after getting drunk in a bar while sitting out a thunderstorm when he was on his way to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Specialists. In Philadelphia, raiding a city-operated health center, police found Custodian James Weathers and his wife Gladys selling whisky and beer to 16 dice-playing patrons in a doctor's conference room advertised on business cards as 'Gladys and Jimmy's."

Rebate. In Tarbes, France, after a choking fit over a champagne and oyster luncheon, Mechanic Charles Pilon coughed up an oyster containing 28 pearls, immedliately sold them to a jeweler at a nearby table for 50,000 francs ($140), happily ordered another round of champagne for the assembled company.

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