Amateur Standing. In Chattanooga, Moonshiner William Garden was placed on two years' probation after he dolefully told the court that he burned his first batch, spilled kerosene in his second, did so badly the third time that he asked arresting revenuers: "How in the world is mash supposed to look when it's ready?"

So Far So Good. Off Honolulu, after sailing singlehanded the 2,500 miles from San Francisco, Salesman John Riley ran into heavy seas at the harbor entrance, was rescued by the Coast Guard.

For Whom the Bell Tolls. In Shepherdstown, W.Va., the town clock, which last year stopped on the day that daylight-saving time began, this year kept going, unaccountably began showing daylight-saving time on its east face, standard time on the west.

This Solid Flesh. In Hutchinson, Kans., firemen & cops ended their search for Ben Stofer's body in the Arkansas River after they spotted him watching operations with the other spectators.

Universal Training. In Palmetto, Fla., 82-year-old Samuel Sample, who was rejected by the Army in the Spanish-American War because he was underweight, in World War I because he was overage, was ordered by a Tampa draft board to report for induction as a draft delinquent.

A for Effort. In Downey, Calif., a prowler ignored the money in the local high school's safe, took only the 120 filled-out report cards.

One for the Road. In Beechwood, Wis., Mrs. Joseph Hann bruised her leg in a collision involving a car, a truck, and the tavern in which she was sitting when she was knocked off her bar stool.

Split Seconds. In Halifax, Nova Scotia, Eaton's department store advertised 400-day clocks, "covered by our one-year guarantee."

Blocking the Bourgeois. In Budapest, the Communist Ministry of Construction ordered all staircase banisters to be equipped with large knobs to prevent youngsters from sliding down.

Fall from Grace. In Milwaukee, after being awarded a National Safety Council medal for two years of safe driving, Truck Driver George Pratt went to a ball game where he drank eight bottles of beer and a slug of whisky, adjourned to a tavern where he tossed down two more beers, headed for another saloon, missed a turn, caromed off a telephone pole, was robbed of his medal, called the cops, was sentenced to ten days.

Masquerade. In Tulsa, Okla., Edmond Walling hit his wife with a rolling pin.

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