Opposition Tenderized

President William Vacanarat Shadrach Tubman owns a steak tenderizer (imported from Manhattan's R. H. Macy) and a political machine (modeled on Manhattan's Tammany Hall). Both function smoothly. During his eight years of office, President Tubman has extended the vote to Liberia's women and the hinterland tribesmen, but he also got Liberia's constitution amended to permit the President to serve an unlimited number of four-year terms. Tubman's True Whig Party, representing the descendants of the 15,000 freed U.S. slaves who first settled the nation, has ruled over Liberia almost without interruption since 1878.

This year, as election time approached, a fusion party decided to upset the Whig pork barrel. The fusionists chose as their champion a sixtyish, reform-minded Kru tribesman named Dihdwo Twe (pronounced Daydaw Tooey), who at the age of 15 had hitchhiked his way to an education in the U.S. and friendship with Mark Twain. Tubman, although he has more than a political grudge against his opponent--Twe is married to Tubman's ex-wife--did not interfere with Twe's campaign. For a while it looked as if Liberia might have a real election. Twe did so well that even Whig party officials began pouring money into his campaign coffers.

At that point, President Tubman's political machine started whirring angrily, softened up opposition politicos as efficiently as President Tubman's other gadget tenderizes a tenderloin. By the time Liberia's 200,000 voters trooped to the polls last fortnight, the contest had been settled privately. Twe and all other opposition candidates had withdrawn their names from the ballot. Tubman was in for another four years.

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