The Criminal Mind. In Newark, N.J., burglars pried open a safe, took $500 in cash and stamps, left a wall motto hanging from the broken safe door: "SMILE."

Counsel & Advice. In Manchester, England, a survey conducted by a hatters' association showed that it takes a man five to ten minutes to buy a hat if he shops by himself, 30 to 40 minutes if accompanied by his wife.

Birdmcm. In Terre Haute, Ind., one Donald Duck enlisted in the U.S. Air Force.

Catch As Catch Can. In Niagara County, N.Y., having shot at three pheasants and missed all three, Hunter George Knieser stalked a fourth, bagged it with his bare hands.

Deadly Weapons. In Milwaukee, the city council voted a $25 fine for the use, sale or possession of peashooters.

All or Nothing. In Sydney, Australia, Paintmaker Charles Joseph Relph admitted setting fire to his paint factory, explained that he had not been able to find out why his product tended to peel.

Vocation. In Memphis, a captured stickup man from Washington State Prison told police he had no intention of reforming: "I started out reading crime stories as a seven-year-old kid . . . and decided that was what I wanted to do."

Handyman. In Cheektowaga, N.Y., the Times printed a classified ad: "WANTED --Man to wash dishes and two waitresses."

Light-o'-Love. In Milwaukee, Howard Clickner was arrested for repeatedly annoying his estranged girl friend by putting red lanterns on her front porch.

All About Eve. In Cleveland, William J. Day asked a court to free him from his legal obligation to pay $12,100 back alimony to his ex-wife Eve on the grounds that she had 1) waited 25 years to demand a financial settlement of their divorce decree, 2) during those 25 years married six other men.

Inflation Note. In Buffalo, a drugstore chain advertised a headache remedy in the Evening News: "50-c- size--59/<<"

Old Hands. In Manhattan, Theodore Grant, veteran of some 30 years behind bars, was charged at 91 with petty larceny. In Baton Rouge, La., Theodore Landrum, at 98, was recommended for pardon after serving half of a five-year prison stretch for theft.

Thanks for the Memory. In Martinsburg, W. Va., Harland and Bessie Greenfield were divorced after 35 years of marriage, 17 children.

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