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No Place Like Home. In Cleveland, William S. Wellman's pigeon, entered in a 100-mile race, came in last -- nine years later.

The Criminal Mind. In Lincoln, Neb., Arlene Gibson went to jail after making the mistake of wearing stolen jewelry to a policeman's ball.

Modern Times. In Dallas, Mrs. Marie Faltejsek ended her visit and returned to Vienna, explained: Dallas has no bomb shelters.

Family Album. In London, Angus Harper declared that he had laced the family butter with slug poison, just to "annoy" his in-laws. In Newhall, Calif., Mrs. Nettie M. Weismeyer said that one reason why she had shot her husband was that he used bad grammar.

Hard-Headed. In Champaign, Ill., John L. Franklin had given up trying to raise asparagus after three years, built an asphalt drive across the patch, this spring discovered sprouts cracking through the pavement.

Payoff. In Battle Creek, Mich., 74-year-old James M. Pier won a divorce when he complained that his wife wore him out dragging him to bingo games.

Soft Pickings. In Folsom, Calif., someone forged two wardens' names and cashed checks stolen from the state penitentiary.

Bring 'Em Back Alive. In Syracuse, N.Y., Mayor Frank J. Costello* bit his lip and disclosed how things were at the zoo: the leopard had been there 20 years, and was secondhand at that; the jaguar had bitten off the leopard's tail; the lion not only had cataracts but was sharing his den with rabbits.

National Pastime. In Benicia, Calif., Mrs. Exorah Tucker, 67, was treated for injuries she suffered while playing baseball. In Zanesville, Ohio, Charles King, 80, broke his hip at batting practice.

Never Say Die. In East London, Union of South Africa, a heart patient, who had been ordered to avoid exertion or excitement, in one day 1) battered down a door and interrupted a suicide, 2) chased and caught a speeding driver, 3) acted as midwife in a sudden emergency, 4) survived.

Side-Swipe. In Rome, Wis., Motorist Frank Beaver swerved violently to avoid a dog on a bridge, knocked down the bridge.

* No kin to Racket King Frank Costello of Manhattan and New Orleans.

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