Chaos, Come Again

One of the standbys of conservative Punch, English crypto-humorous weekly, is A. P. Herbert, author and Independent M.P. who usually votes Conservative. In Parliament and Punch he has good-humoredly scolded his countrymen for bureaucratic gobbledygook, antiquated divorce and drinking laws. A fortnight ago, in Punch, Herbert broke some sharp pentameters against the windmills of Government planning. Excerpts:

Return, sweet Chaos: come, the Bad Old Days Before the Wise Men watched about our ways, When Ministers had not annoyed the Sun, Not much was Planned, but many things were Done . . . Come, even loathly Private Enterprise. . . .

So, gentle Chaos, let me sit and dream The lost delights of your reviled regime. One pressed a switch and lo! The Light was found (Today you would be fined -L-100). Water and Gas obeyed the humblest hand, Though greedy Tories still controlled the land. Coal, too, almost like water, used to flow, A commonplace and not a curio. Coal, Chaos, was as plentiful as hay: We had so much we sent the stuff away! The Railways, not less rapid than they are, But much more regular, went just as far. The Ships, with small assistance from the State, Sailed round the Planet and returned with Freight . . . Either by Accident this isle was blessed Or there was far more planning than we guessed. . . .

Thus Bees and Ants about their Business go, Vague, as it seems, effective, as we know. Each bee, alone, from Rose to Lily flies, A wretched piece of Private Enterprise. . . .

Begone, Bulk Purchase, heavy-handed hick, Who still suppose that you can do the Trick. The nimble thousands, dodging here and there, Confused the foes and made the Market fair: But when your tall gross figure comes to town They all at once combine to do you down. Begone, Economist: no more profess To play with Cheeses as you play at Chess. . . . Come, lovely Chaos: come, the Bad Old Days, Before the Wise Men watched about our ways, When Ministers had not enraged the Sun, Not much was Planned but many things were Done.

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