Welcome Back. In Ames, Iowa, ex-Serviceman Keith Young returned to Iowa State College, was greeted by the bursar: "You owe a chem breakage fee from the winter of '43. $1.37, please."

Wounded & Captured. In Paris, Army Headquarters closed the Alpine leave center at Chamonix, listed the casualties: out of 2,785 G.I. visitors, nine broken legs, two marriages.

Dessert, Please, Gargantua. In Bernardsville, N.J., James Adams, as research on "How Gullible Is the American Public?", wrote to Westchester County housewives offering trained apes as inexpensive, silent servants, got a few enthusiastic inquiries.

This Side of Paradise. At Buckley Field, Colo., Private Saint L. Peter was having the time of his life answering the chaplain's telephone.

Unholy Cow. In New Ulm, Minn., police forbade truckers to park livestock near churches when congregations complained that off-key moos loused up the hymns.

Overhead Problem. In Johnstown, Pa., an Altoona landlord got no satisfaction when he took his troubles to the OPA: a 400-lb. tenant on the second floor threatened the first floor ceiling.

Seismic Hop. In Sioux City, Iowa, a ballroom manager banned jitterbugging, explained to outraged hepcats: "The restriction is not the result of vibrational damage to the building. It is due entirely to complaints of patrons who were subjected to bumps, kicks and collisions."

Undone. In Hobart, Okla., Dr. J. P. Braun, delivering twins, felt a crucial safety pin come loose, gamely finished the job trouserless.

Rebuttal. In Detroit, Wife Beater Zigmund Norkoski, under court injunction not to lay a hand on her, found a way: butting her with his head.

G Whiz. In Los Angeles, Mrs. Norma Briley got her divorce when she produced notes to her husband from his secretary: "I luv U . . . I've told U b4 and U obviously no . . . we should consider ourselves 4tunate."

How It's Done. In Portland, Ore., Robert Kuhn advertised in the Oregon Journal: "Veteran, wife, 10 dogs, 3 female cats, alligator, desire small furn. apt. We drink, smoke, stay up all night beating kettledrums." He got 25 offers.

Going Strong. In Leominster, Mass., Addie Rice, 83, was booked on a charge of pulling down a stone wall.

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